Last night I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time since I bought the DVD back in May when the movie was released. Even though I wanted to watch it, I couldn’t bring myself to doing it. When I watched this movie at the theater, I cried the entire day. I remember calling my mom and talking about how much it reminded me of my ex, who I had recently broken up with.   I didn’t really understand why it did until I watched it this time around.

They loved each other so much, but he realized he had to let her go (I won’t reveal more than that in case you haven’t seen it).  He knew he had to because all he was going to do was cause her grief and pain.  My eyes weren’t dry for long cause I realized that’s what G. had done for me.  I spent the entire night writing in my diary, crying, and re-reading his letters to me, especially his goodbye letter.  How could I have not realized what he was actually doing?

Right after watching the movie, I checked out PostSecret and saw this postcard that made me wonder if he had sent it.  I talked to my sister in Afghanistan and told her what I finally figured out.  She responded,

“You just realized that?”

Yes, I did.  The pain I felt when he left was so unbearable that it shrouded me from the truth.  I thought he was being selfish and really not thinking about me.  How wrong I was to think that?  One night at 2:00 a.m.,  before the incident that made him doubt if he was good enough for me, he unexpectedly texted me.

“I think I could be completely yours.”

Last night was me letting go of the pain I felt for losing him.  He would have wanted me to find that person he thought he couldn’t be.  A person who is not suffering from depression, pain, and regret, and thought that he didn’t deserve the love I had for him.  This morning I woke up with a smile and a feeling that I will soon find that person who I will be with for the rest of my life.

I remember he once said when we were lying on his couch,

“You would do anything for me. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.  You would do anything for me too,” I smiled and nuzzled more into this chest.

He paused and squeezed me.

“Yes, actually I would.”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, originally uploaded by Fabio Allves.

Awhile ago, I posted the top ten songs, poems, and movies to hear and see when you are suffering from a broken heart.  I’m starting to feel better about a lot of things.  Accept everything that happened and realize that there are things that I am unable to control.  All I can do is be strong, and continue trekking on.  Life is too short to be so miserable.  If I died tomorrow, would I really want my last days on Earth to be moping around aching for someone who never really cared much about me to begin with?  No.

I created this Rhapsody playlist when I was enduring all that pain. Art in all forms can help you get through many hard parts in your life. They make you realize that there is someone out there who has gone through what you are going through, so you are not alone.  Also, that you will be alright.

Here is the playlist that I created, which you are able to listen to by pressing the Play icon. I hope that it can probably help someone out there.

Only for the Brokenhearted

Never Too Late by Three Days Grace

Better In Time by Leona Lewis

Aunque no te pueda ver by Alex Ubago

The Winner Takes It All by ABBA

Sin Miedo A Nada by Alex Ubago

The Story by Brandi Carlile

Through The Fire by Chaka Khan

Behind (Callea Club Mix) by Flanders

Hurt by Christina Aguilera

Prayer by Disturbed

Remember by Disturbed

I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues by Elton John

Tu Vacio by Enrique Iglesias

Solo En Ti by Enrique Iglesias

I Could Fall In Love With You by Erasure

Crazy On You by Heart

Heartless by Kanye West

Deseos De Cosas Imposibles by La Oreja De Van Gogh

West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys

Love Song by 311

Adia by Sarah McLachlan

Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan

I Love You by Sarah McLachlan

Someday by Soda Club

So Far Away by Staind

Get By by Talib Kweli

For All We Know by The Carpenters

Linger by The Cranberries

You Keep Me Hangin’ On by The Supremes

You Got Me by The Roots

Tardes Negras by Tiziano Ferro

Overload by Voodoo & Serano

White Flag by Dido

Saving All My Love For You by Whitney Houston

Last Night (Featuring Keyshia Cole) by Diddy

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Gotta Tell You  by Samantha Mumba

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

Can a broken heart be mended?  Is love never having to say you’re sorry?  Do you forgive those you truly love?  Can anything separate two lovers?

You once said I was too idealistic and that this would be my downfall if I don’t start accepting reality.  It’s sad that you are the reason I no longer have this innocent idealistic point of view.  I know that you read my blog.  This is for you:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare

The last lists that I am going to post.  Sorry for being so solemn, but that is my current mood.  These are the movies, songs, and poems that I constantly read to try and find the answers to all of my questions of love and heartache.

Top Ten Movies for the BrokenHearted

Top Ten Songs:

1. Brandy and Boys II Men – BrokenHearted

2. Lasgo – Something

3. Hyde – Season’s Call

4. Dido – White Flag

5. Abba – The Winner Takes It All

6. Natalie Imbruglia

7. Chaka Khan – Through the Fire

8. Alex Ubago – Sin Miedo a Nada

9. Tiziano Ferrero – Tardes Negras

10. Brandi Carlisle – The Story

Top Ten Poems:

1. Shakespeare Sonnet 116

2. William Wordsworth – Splendor in the Grass

3. Emily Dickinson – After Great Pain

4.  Edgar Allen Poe – Annabel Lee

5. Lord Alfred Tennyson – Tear, Idle Tears

6. Sir Walter Raleigh – A Farewell to False Love

7. Emily Dickinson – Heart, We Will Forget HIm

8. Emily Bronte – Remembrance

9. Lord Byron – She Walks in Beauty Like the Night

10. Shakespeare Sonnet 147

The weekend is here, and I am beyond happy.  I have been slaving away at work, and now I want to be able to relax and work on my business.  My friend D. wants to keep me company while I am totally depressed about my situation, so I am heading over to her place on Saturday night.  I would have done it today, but I want to be alone with Haji while I contemplate on what I am going to do with my life.  I have to write down some goals for myself and keep writing so I don’t keep thinking about G.  It’s over, and I can’t seem to think about it anymore without tearing up.  I guess the only thing that kills me is that he is the cause of everything that happened, but he decides to run away.  If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have spoken to L., and I wouldn’t be in the predicament that I was in.  D. had her own issues, and her boyfriend stuck by her, and he didn’t even CAUSE IT!  G. totally abandons me. It proves that he didn’t love me enough.  It seems to be the trend with him. Never enough.

I’m 30 and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to remain alone.  I think in the 30 years of life, I’ve only had one relationship where I felt like I had a companion.  It’s funny but once I went to a Palm Reader (keep your chuckles to yourselves), and she basically told me that I would never be with anyone. 

I’m fine with it.  I just want to have two more children.  I already told my mom that if I am not married by 33, I am going to get artificially inseminated.  She freaked because she is totally afraid that I will be 100% lesbian.  Whatever, I really don’t seem to care what people think about me at this point.  I just want to find some form of happiness.  It’s something that I haven’t been able to attain for such a long time. 

Totally off topic, but I am sick and tired of my office neighbor passing gas like it’s going out of style.  How much gas can this man pass?  It’s disgusting.  At least say, “EXCUSE ME!”

I hope that everyone has a lovely weekend and that it’s full of hope, passion, and love.