Last night I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time since I bought the DVD back in May when the movie was released. Even though I wanted to watch it, I couldn’t bring myself to doing it. When I watched this movie at the theater, I cried the entire day. I remember calling my mom and talking about how much it reminded me of my ex, who I had recently broken up with.   I didn’t really understand why it did until I watched it this time around.

They loved each other so much, but he realized he had to let her go (I won’t reveal more than that in case you haven’t seen it).  He knew he had to because all he was going to do was cause her grief and pain.  My eyes weren’t dry for long cause I realized that’s what G. had done for me.  I spent the entire night writing in my diary, crying, and re-reading his letters to me, especially his goodbye letter.  How could I have not realized what he was actually doing?

Right after watching the movie, I checked out PostSecret and saw this postcard that made me wonder if he had sent it.  I talked to my sister in Afghanistan and told her what I finally figured out.  She responded,

“You just realized that?”

Yes, I did.  The pain I felt when he left was so unbearable that it shrouded me from the truth.  I thought he was being selfish and really not thinking about me.  How wrong I was to think that?  One night at 2:00 a.m.,  before the incident that made him doubt if he was good enough for me, he unexpectedly texted me.

“I think I could be completely yours.”

Last night was me letting go of the pain I felt for losing him.  He would have wanted me to find that person he thought he couldn’t be.  A person who is not suffering from depression, pain, and regret, and thought that he didn’t deserve the love I had for him.  This morning I woke up with a smile and a feeling that I will soon find that person who I will be with for the rest of my life.

I remember he once said when we were lying on his couch,

“You would do anything for me. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.  You would do anything for me too,” I smiled and nuzzled more into this chest.

He paused and squeezed me.

“Yes, actually I would.”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, originally uploaded by Fabio Allves.

I’m so in love that I can’t think about anything else, but that feeling. It’s exhilarating feeling that you almost have everything you’ve always wanted: the man of my dreams, my children, great career, amazing health, wonderful friends, and happy. I haven’t been happy for a very long time, so I am feeling kind of weird about it. It feels too good to be true, and I’m afraid that in an instant, I am going to lose it all. Happiness is a feeling that everyone covets, and I finally have it.

My past relationship wasn’t the best. The person was constantly cheating, lying, BREAKING MY SHIT, and a drama starter. My drama-free life was all of a sudden consumed with it when I was with this person. I feel bad because after Eric, I vowed never to allow myself to get into a horrible relationship where there was a lack of respect and honesty. Lo and behold, I was in one again.  Everyone who met this person told me there was something wanting in this person’s eyes. I still care for this person, but I know it’s for the best.

G. has always been my sanity throughout all of it. He would listen to me and give me the best advice.  Every time we stopped speaking, I felt sad and lost. I secretly cried because I didn’t have him in my life.  The last time we stopped speaking, I became a total hermit because I didn’t care about anything, but the kids.  I tried to start dating a few times, but they never compared to him.  Now, I have him completely in my life. Even if we don’t last as a couple, I know we will last as friends.

He told me that whenever I smile at him, he feels like he loses all reason.  He said that he smiles more when I’m around.  Also, that he wants to be with me the rest of our lives.  We are planning a trip in January, so I am excited for that.  I wanted to go skydiving this month, but he wants to wait til the weather gets better cause he knows I hate the cold.   I wanted to because I want to get rid of my fear of heights, and also I want to do it so I can feel like I finally have wings.

I’ve always felt like Marianne in “Sense and Sensibility” with Willoughby. I now feel like Marianne and Willoughby have been given a second chance through us.  This video is Marianne reciting Shakespeare Sonnet 116.  It describes how ideal love should be.  I use to watch this scene and cry cause I had lost that, but now I found it again.