It’s hard being my children’s mother and father. I am the only one there to take them to school, tuck them in at night, and drive them around to all of their events. People think that I always have to be in control. However, if they were in my shoes, they would understand. You don’t have anyone to help you make decisions when you are raising kids on your own, and those decisions affects their lives.

Today I almost had a nervous breakdown because I tried delegating some of my responsibility, and it backfired on me. I know that this doesn’t mean that I can’t delegate to reliable people in the future, but it will be harder for me to now. I actually burst out in tears because I was tired of the lack of help, especially from the person who should be helping me the most.

However, when I talk to the kids, I know that all I must be doing something right. I was in the car with Isabelle. She said, “Mommy, a little girl hit me.”

I said, “What? When?”

“This weekend, and daddy didn’t do anything.”

“How did you feel?” I look in the rearview mirror.

“Sad and mad.”

“Why mad?”

“He should have said something. I know if you were there, you would have told her not to hit me.”

It made me smile that my children see me as their protector. It’s something that I never felt growing up, so I’m glad that my children look at me differently.

I asked my son why didn’t he do his homework this weekend. He responded, “Because I was waiting to do it with you.”

“Why?”

“I know you really help me.”

I realize that I know that it’s hard raising two kids on my own. I sometimes want to tear my hair out because I have conflicting events, disciplining them alone, and have to split my attention between them. But, when I see how much my kids cuddle with me, trust that I will help or protect them, and look at me with awe, then I know that it’s all worth it.

In the mornings, I usually go through my Google Reader to see if there are any exciting things to read or see before heading to work. When I got to my Hulu folder, I noticed that there was a series called “Mom’s Life,” that had a clip called “What It’s Like Being a Single Mom.” They were interviewing a single mother of two. Here is the clip:

Many of the things that she said resounded with me. As with anything, there is the good and the bad that goes alongside being a single mother.

The bad is that you worry that your children are missing something by not having a father. Yes, their father is around but scarcely. I think that this summer, he saw them a total of four weekends. Usually it was excuse after excuse as to why he couldn’t see them. It’s been almost three weeks, and I haven’t received a phone call, email, or text to see how their first day of school went, or how they are doing in general. It bothers me because I worry that they are going to think that is how fathers should behave. My son always excuses his behavior. Yesterday, he said his dad must be busy with the new puppy. I told him that this might be true, but his dad should at least call to see how they are doing. I learned from a wonderful mother of one of his classmates last year, who went through the same thing that you shouldn’t make excuses to their father’s absence, so I have started being honest, but in a way, so I don’t badmouth him (very, VERY hard not to do).

Another thing is that you are only person the children have to depend on.  If something goes wrong, it’s just you.  There is no one there to share the responsibility with, and sometimes that is tiresome and stressful.  It is also lonely because you look around at all these married couple, and sometimes wish that you had someone beside you.  However, some of my single girlfriends tell me that I am lucky that I have children because it’s even lonelier when you don’t have any and are not with anyone.  I’ve also had some married girlfriends who tell me that I am lucky to still be able to do things with my friends that they don’t do much of anymore, so I guess I have the best of both worlds.

Now the good.  The good is that you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s parenting style clashing with yours.  When my ex and I were together, we were always arguing about whose parenting was better.  I know it’s not like that with everyone, but for me, that is how it was.  I am the only one who is disciplining and teaching the children, and that makes it so much easier.

It’s also what one of the mothers said, who was raised by a single mother, there is a special bond between your children and you because it’s just you.  If they want to jump into bed and sleep beside me, they are able to do this.  I know that on the weekends, the kids always want to sleep with me, which I love.  My son is almost eight, and he loves to snuggle next to me.  I have heard some mothers say that around seven is when their children started kind of wanting to have their parents stop fussing over them.  I’m glad that my son hasn’t reached that stage yet, or I hope that he never will (I know he will).

After seeing this clip, I smiled and realized that I am very lucky to have the life that I have.  Even if we don’t have the traditional household, with a father and mother, we are a family with a special bond.

Photo Detail: Sculpture Garden, originally uploaded by dreamingindc.

July 4th Weekend, originally uploaded by dreamingindc.

When I posted the blog about “Why do Strong Women Scare Some Men Away ,” this commenter kept bringing up that I had children, and that is probably why I haven’t found someone. He kept saying that I am not a “strong woman,” but a “strong woman + kids.” It kind of bothered me because he made it seem like I couldn’t be strong because I had children. It also didn’t make any sense because it had nothing to do with the blog post, but it got me thinking about dating while being a single mother.

First, I need to address the stereotypes that people have about single mothers. Single mothers are usually thought of badly educated, struggling financially, want a man who will come and “save the children and her,” and they only want a man to take over the paternal role, and it keeps going. You have probably heard one or a combination of these reasons, and you probably have your own thoughts about single mothers. I do believe and are glad that this is changing now that women are starting to become single mothers by choice and are having amazing, fluorishing careers. However, the stereotypes are still there.

I know that the pool of men who will date me is smaller than a woman who doesn’t have any children. It doesn’t offend me when a guy realizes that I am a mother, and he decides he doesn’t want it to go any further. He has his reasons, and I respect that. I’ve also had men, who I have dated, say that I am not the “typical single mom.” It kind of takes me aback when I hear this because I don’t think people should judge a certain group of people due to things they have heard from others or from a past experience they had with one or two. However, a man has a choice, just like I have a choice about who I date.

Dating has been tough since I had my first child. I will have to say that it has gotten better since the children and I have gotten older. The only time it gets rough is when I have dated people who want to invite me to hang out that same day, and they get upset when I can’t go out. My family does support me, and they are there for me whenever I need them, but I still don’t have the luxury to just get up and go.  Dating is already hard even when you don’t have children, so imagine when there are.

I have never really had issues finding people to date. I tend to date older men. Older men are usually more understanding and respectful of my time. Also, they usually realize that I am educated, successful for my age, independent, confident, and love that I am a good mother. I used to do online dating because a man could know right away that I had children, and decide to message or move on to the next profile.

Nevertheless, I don’t think online dating is for me, so I have decided not to go that route again. I realized this after I read Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single. She discusses how people see all these profiles, go on a perfectly-great date, and then wonder if maybe they can probably find better. Very jaded, and I noticed that it seemed to be the case with many of my friends and me. Date would go great, guy would never contact you again, and then months later, you would hear from him, and it was always that he wanted to make sure and now he realized you were great. Next!

I thought that it would be harder to find someone, but even though I don’t have the amount of people like I would on an online dating site, I still have found dates via mutual interests, friends, or acquaintances. I am currently dating a guy around my age, who is totally amazing and doesn’t seem to mind that I have two children, and that was through a mutual friend.  I don’t want to say further because it’s early,  so trying to just be positive.

My children are not the reason that I am still single.  It has to do with the crazy checklist that I used to have; or my unforgiving behavior if someone broke one of my dealbreakers; or it could have been how I was still madly in love with G. and no one compared to him.  However, I am now ready to date because I was self aware enough to realize this and have made changes within myself.

For single mothers out there, it is hard, but remember that you are a woman, and not just a mother.  You will eventually find a guy who realizes this and will want to date you, regardless if you have children.  You will encounter the occassional hater who will want to put you down because you are a single mother (I found mine yesterday).  My philosophy is if the person doesn’t help me in any way, I really don’t give a damn what he/she thinks because I know that I have tons to give to a person I am dating, a friend, my family, and myself.  Never settle.

Bang your head on a wall and call it a day.

Originally uploaded by Bernice Pipa

I am going to rant here about two things: 1. Why do people always want to start being insanely annoying when you are in a bad mood? 2. Why do my parents think that I have no job or something?

Today was rough. I was in back-to-back meetings, someone pissed me off to the ultimate core (my own expression), and my rigatoni that came out perfect fell in the sink. My parents don’t seem to understand that I have a busy life. I’m a single mother with a demanding job. I am sorry if I don’t call every hour. On top of that, I’m sorry that I don’t answer the five calls in a row you make when I am a meeting. Oh, and I love the five voicemail messages I get demanding why I never pick up the phone. CAUSE I’M IN A MEETING!

My mom last Tuesday had oral surgery. When I called my dad, he said that she couldn’t talk til Wednesday. On Wednesday, I was in meeting after meeting. When I get out of the 5th meeting, I have three calls waiting. I listen to the three voicemail messages (Side rant: Why leave three voicemail messages saying the same thing?) stating that I haven’t called my mom who is at home and she is hurt by that. I tell my dad that I will call her after the next meeting.

I call after I drop Isabelle off at ballet. He tells me that he doesn’t understand why I called when she can’t speak. I got irritated and said, “Then why are you trying to make me feel guilty about not calling and now are sitting here acting like you don’t get why I called?”

I go there on Thursday and spend time with my mom. My parents live in Woodbridge, which is super far, but I trekked that way. The kids and I don’t get home til 10PM. I go there all Saturday and just hang with her in bed. On Sunday, I stay there and talk to her, but then leave to go grocery shopping and get my kids and cousins from my sister’s house. My aunt never does anything fun with the kids, so I was nice enough to offer to take them back from Baltimore to Woodbridge and then to Fairfax. I drop my cousins off, and I go to my parents’ house to visit my mom. We don’t get home til 10 or so.

Today I was in meetings all day. I snuck to my spin class to release stress, but that was it. Then I had to deal with someone who shall remain nameless, and so I am not in the best of moods. I get home at 6pm, cook dinner twice (damn rigatoni), help the kids with homework, bedtime, and I am sniffling cause I am so ticked. I just lay down to think when I start getting the infamous repeated phone calls from my dad. After the fourth one, I answer.

He starts off with you have been such a good daughter, so we don’t understand why you haven’t called your mom. She is so sad that you haven’t called. I am annoyed because I called this morning, and I told my dad that I was going to be super busy with meetings today and all i had time for was to relay a message that my sister left me. I have talked to my mom about this before. The only way to contact me at work is via chat or email. That’s it?! This is how I communicate with her during the week, and I barely call. She also knows how much I HATE the phone. I planned on going there tomorrow and probably getting home at 10 p.m. or so.

I tell him that I am tired of this behavior. I have a job and have been in meetings, so why do they act like I am lounging at home doing nothing but staring at the ceiling? After awhile, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I just tuned him out. I am SOOOO happy that I was given the gift of selective hearing.

I need to relax. I am so tense right now that it’s not even funny. Now I feel like a bad daughter because I have meetings that I have to attend and have to focus on the children. I told L. that her parents depend on her too much, and she said mine do as well. I told her that she was wrong. I think that maybe I was the one who is wrong. I guess screwing my children’s schedule, driving hours, spending the weekend there and missing my place means nothing as long as I call ten times a day. Good to know.