When I posted the blog about “Why do Strong Women Scare Some Men Away ,” this commenter kept bringing up that I had children, and that is probably why I haven’t found someone. He kept saying that I am not a “strong woman,” but a “strong woman + kids.” It kind of bothered me because he made it seem like I couldn’t be strong because I had children. It also didn’t make any sense because it had nothing to do with the blog post, but it got me thinking about dating while being a single mother.
First, I need to address the stereotypes that people have about single mothers. Single mothers are usually thought of badly educated, struggling financially, want a man who will come and “save the children and her,” and they only want a man to take over the paternal role, and it keeps going. You have probably heard one or a combination of these reasons, and you probably have your own thoughts about single mothers. I do believe and are glad that this is changing now that women are starting to become single mothers by choice and are having amazing, fluorishing careers. However, the stereotypes are still there.
I know that the pool of men who will date me is smaller than a woman who doesn’t have any children. It doesn’t offend me when a guy realizes that I am a mother, and he decides he doesn’t want it to go any further. He has his reasons, and I respect that. I’ve also had men, who I have dated, say that I am not the “typical single mom.” It kind of takes me aback when I hear this because I don’t think people should judge a certain group of people due to things they have heard from others or from a past experience they had with one or two. However, a man has a choice, just like I have a choice about who I date.
Dating has been tough since I had my first child. I will have to say that it has gotten better since the children and I have gotten older. The only time it gets rough is when I have dated people who want to invite me to hang out that same day, and they get upset when I can’t go out. My family does support me, and they are there for me whenever I need them, but I still don’t have the luxury to just get up and go. Dating is already hard even when you don’t have children, so imagine when there are.
I have never really had issues finding people to date. I tend to date older men. Older men are usually more understanding and respectful of my time. Also, they usually realize that I am educated, successful for my age, independent, confident, and love that I am a good mother. I used to do online dating because a man could know right away that I had children, and decide to message or move on to the next profile.
Nevertheless, I don’t think online dating is for me, so I have decided not to go that route again. I realized this after I read Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single
. She discusses how people see all these profiles, go on a perfectly-great date, and then wonder if maybe they can probably find better. Very jaded, and I noticed that it seemed to be the case with many of my friends and me. Date would go great, guy would never contact you again, and then months later, you would hear from him, and it was always that he wanted to make sure and now he realized you were great. Next!
I thought that it would be harder to find someone, but even though I don’t have the amount of people like I would on an online dating site, I still have found dates via mutual interests, friends, or acquaintances. I am currently dating a guy around my age, who is totally amazing and doesn’t seem to mind that I have two children, and that was through a mutual friend. I don’t want to say further because it’s early, so trying to just be positive.
My children are not the reason that I am still single. It has to do with the crazy checklist that I used to have; or my unforgiving behavior if someone broke one of my dealbreakers; or it could have been how I was still madly in love with G. and no one compared to him. However, I am now ready to date because I was self aware enough to realize this and have made changes within myself.
For single mothers out there, it is hard, but remember that you are a woman, and not just a mother. You will eventually find a guy who realizes this and will want to date you, regardless if you have children. You will encounter the occassional hater who will want to put you down because you are a single mother (I found mine yesterday). My philosophy is if the person doesn’t help me in any way, I really don’t give a damn what he/she thinks because I know that I have tons to give to a person I am dating, a friend, my family, and myself. Never settle.
