Last night, my 17-year old nephew called me very sad.  It broke my heart.  One thing that I never want any of my kids (including my niece, nephews, and little cousins) to experience is pain.  If I could, I would transfer all their sadness to me, so that they could live without feeling sadness.  I know that is something that can’t happen.  The only way that we become the people we are meant to be is by experiencing everything that life has to offer.  However, I can still wish it wasn’t so.

One of my favorite songs of all time is Regina Belle’s “If I Could.” It’s how I think every parent feels.  Wishing that they could shield their children from any harm and pain. When I heard my nephew cry, I began crying as well.  I felt his sadness and it made me feel so helpless that I couldn’t do anything.  I know that I can’t do anything else but listen to him, and I know that is probably all that he needed at the moment. 

Listening is something that you have to learn as a parent.  You want your kids to feel comfortable to come to you whenever they are in trouble and/or need someone to talk to.  More than likely, they don’t want your advice.  They just want you to sympathize and listen to them vent. I’m glad that I am able to at least do that for them.

There are days when I can wake up and feel ok for a bit until a memory triggers something inside me, and I get the feeling of sadness.  There are days, like today, that even before I even get out of bed, I feel this weight that makes me want to stay in bed all day.  I don’t know why that is.  I have a theory: Involuntary memory.

Involuntary memory is something that is connected with the French writer Marcel Proust. In his famous book,”Remembrance of Things Past,” Proust talks about how a smell, sound, touch, or taste can take you back to something that happened in your past. It might even invoke a memory that you had forgotten even existed. I think that is why I sometimes wake up feeling like something is weighing me down. There was something that touched one of my senses and triggered a past memory of my life before.

I know that eventually I will wake up every day and not feel any pain.  However, at the moment, it’s all I can think about. I wonder what it was this morning that I encountered that caused this.  I guess it really doesn’t matter.  All I know is that this is part of mourning, and that I will accept this feeling.

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How do you tell someone you miss him/her? Do you write that someone a letter? Email? Or do you call that person on the phone and profess how much you miss him/her? Do you lavish that person with gifts? Or do you prefer to send that person a homemade gift that is straight from the heart?

Missing a person is one of the hardest things that people can do. They always think about how that person is doing, how the person is, and always have that glimmer of hope that person will contact them. Whenever there is a chance that they are able to find out about that person, they will do anything possible to.

Usually though, all they have left are the memories that person has left behind. Maybe it’s their pride, that person’s pride, or fear of rejection that keep them from making any attempts to contact one another.

If I could contact the people I miss, I would say to them these simple words:

Let’s forget the past; forget the future; and let’s just make the present work.

I have finally started to forgive the people in my past who have hurt me the most. One of those people is L. We had a long discussion yesterday, and I feel no more anger and resentment towards her. In the relationship that we had, we both were mean, vicious and stupid. I am finally able to say sorry and accept her apology as well.

We both suffered from self esteem issues:  she lacked it, and I had too much. This is one of the reasons that we both clashed because she couldn’t stand how narcissistic I could be, and I couldn’t stand how she would handle situations. Additionally, we were too controlling of one another. I told her awhile back that on the The Hills (yes, I watch the show…so what!), LC and Heidi reminded me a lot about us, especially the last season’s finale. She told me yesterday that she saw it and thought the same.  Maybe one day we will be the best of friends, but for right now, we can’t. She said she had things that she has to work on, and I have to work on my ego.  I started watching the History Channel‘s “The Seven Deadly Sins: Pride.”  They said that it’s considered the deadliest of all the sins, so I know I need to work on it.  It has affected my past relationships, and so I need to find a happy medium.

Forgiving someone is hard. However, when you finally are able to, you will never be the same. You will feel free because all the hatred and anger that you held within you is gone. I don’t think we will ever be friends again.  She is not someone who I would socialize with.  She has insane issues, and doesn’t know who she is.  I think her main problem is that she is still lying to her family about her being a lesbian.  She needs to be true to herself, but I don’t think she ever will.  It’s like my friend said.  She is someone who will never be happy, so even if 1,000 people love her, it won’t make a difference becasue she doesn’t love herself.  I just hope that she will one day do that.

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

Forgiveness is love in its most noble form – Anon

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future - Paul Boese

To have the power to forgive,

Is empire and prerogative,

And ’tis in crowns a nobler gem,

To grant a pardon than condemn - Samuel Butler

To err is human; to forgive, divine – Alexander Pope

He who has injured thee was stronger or weaker than thee. If weaker, spare him; if stronger, spare thyself -Seneca