DC Femella

The weekend is here, and I am beyond happy.  I have been slaving away at work, and now I want to be able to relax and work on my business.  My friend D. wants to keep me company while I am totally depressed about my situation, so I am heading over to her place on Saturday night.  I would have done it today, but I want to be alone with Haji while I contemplate on what I am going to do with my life.  I have to write down some goals for myself and keep writing so I don’t keep thinking about G.  It’s over, and I can’t seem to think about it anymore without tearing up.  I guess the only thing that kills me is that he is the cause of everything that happened, but he decides to run away.  If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have spoken to L., and I wouldn’t be in the predicament that I was in.  D. had her own issues, and her boyfriend stuck by her, and he didn’t even CAUSE IT!  G. totally abandons me. It proves that he didn’t love me enough.  It seems to be the trend with him. Never enough.

I’m 30 and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to remain alone.  I think in the 30 years of life, I’ve only had one relationship where I felt like I had a companion.  It’s funny but once I went to a Palm Reader (keep your chuckles to yourselves), and she basically told me that I would never be with anyone. 

I’m fine with it.  I just want to have two more children.  I already told my mom that if I am not married by 33, I am going to get artificially inseminated.  She freaked because she is totally afraid that I will be 100% lesbian.  Whatever, I really don’t seem to care what people think about me at this point.  I just want to find some form of happiness.  It’s something that I haven’t been able to attain for such a long time. 

Totally off topic, but I am sick and tired of my office neighbor passing gas like it’s going out of style.  How much gas can this man pass?  It’s disgusting.  At least say, “EXCUSE ME!”

I hope that everyone has a lovely weekend and that it’s full of hope, passion, and love.

I have hit rock bottom.   Laura has offiicially ruined my life.  I’m ok though because I am super strong, and I always bounce back.  I have wonderful family and friends, and that is sometimes all you need in life.  She is no longer welcomed in my life, and I hope that she gets the hint.  My friend Tanya gave me the great idea to block her number and text messages, so I did just that.  If it continues, I am going to file a restraining order. 

I’m working on my freelance writing site, goals, and house.  =)  Keeping busy, busy, busy….

I feel guilt, sad, and loss.  This person was a major part of my life for so long.  However, a tumultuous relationship where there was a lack of respect and cheating was an every day occurrence with this person, I don’t know if those feelings are justified.   I love L. as a person, but people are right.  If I want to get married and have more children one day, I have to let her move on.

L., I am truly sorry.  I know you hate me, but I hope that one day you can forgive me.  I did love you.  I’m sorry that I have to follow my heart and be with him.  He is my true love and always has been.  I hope you understand that one day and find someone who truly loves you.  I do wish you the best.

Betrayal is one of the worst feelings to feel. It is right up there with grief, pain, and loss. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped open. The sad thing is that I allow this person to continuously do this to me over and over again. It feels like I have been crying since I met that person. Here are some of my favorite quotes dealing with betrayal:

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though … betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. – Steven Deitz

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. – Arthur Miller

Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources. – Linda Talley

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal - Tennessee Williams

Trust can take years to build, but only a second to break. - Unknown

And I believe love should be like this Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I’m a lot like Marianne from “Sense and Sensbility.” Maybe that is my problem.  I need to get over this.  I need to continue to focus on my children and myself.  I was glad I could speak to my sister today.  She is right.  I am strong, and I will get through this.