On 26 January, my little sister Kristine Polastre passed away. I’m devastated and feel like every moment that passes is harder and harder. I will be practically MIA for awhile until I am able to breathe without feeling any pain. I love you so much Kristine, and I hope to see you when I one day am gone.  Anie and I will always feel a void because without you, nothing feels right.

Here is something I wrote October that describes exactly the way I feel about her: My Sister, My Soulmate

After great pain a formal feeling comes–

The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions–was it He that bore?
And yesterday–or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow–
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

- Emily Dickinson

Today I watched one of my favorite movies of all time, “Legends of the Fall.” This movie stars Brad Pitt as Tristan (I was about to name Cebastian after this character).  Everyone who loves him fall to tragedy in some way or the other. There are some people who are like this. They are tormented souls who destroy anyone who comes near them, even when they don’t mean to. For some reason, people love them quickly and deeply but it only causes them to suffer more.

It’s like they said in the movie, “He was a rock they broke themselves against however much he tried to protect them more.”

People like this are meant to roam free and alone. They shouldn’t be surrounded by people because it only causes them to feel more alienated from the world. The entire time they feel they have to take care of everyone that they fail to take care of themselves.

If you ever meet someone like this, just realize that all you are doing is causing yourself pain.  In the end, you will be left broken and alone.  I am glad that I was able to survive this, but there are many people don’t.  I now stay clear of men like him.

Photo Detail: fall, originally uploaded by Rachael Chavez.

Last night I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time since I bought the DVD back in May when the movie was released. Even though I wanted to watch it, I couldn’t bring myself to doing it. When I watched this movie at the theater, I cried the entire day. I remember calling my mom and talking about how much it reminded me of my ex, who I had recently broken up with.   I didn’t really understand why it did until I watched it this time around.

They loved each other so much, but he realized he had to let her go (I won’t reveal more than that in case you haven’t seen it).  He knew he had to because all he was going to do was cause her grief and pain.  My eyes weren’t dry for long cause I realized that’s what G. had done for me.  I spent the entire night writing in my diary, crying, and re-reading his letters to me, especially his goodbye letter.  How could I have not realized what he was actually doing?

Right after watching the movie, I checked out PostSecret and saw this postcard that made me wonder if he had sent it.  I talked to my sister in Afghanistan and told her what I finally figured out.  She responded,

“You just realized that?”

Yes, I did.  The pain I felt when he left was so unbearable that it shrouded me from the truth.  I thought he was being selfish and really not thinking about me.  How wrong I was to think that?  One night at 2:00 a.m.,  before the incident that made him doubt if he was good enough for me, he unexpectedly texted me.

“I think I could be completely yours.”

Last night was me letting go of the pain I felt for losing him.  He would have wanted me to find that person he thought he couldn’t be.  A person who is not suffering from depression, pain, and regret, and thought that he didn’t deserve the love I had for him.  This morning I woke up with a smile and a feeling that I will soon find that person who I will be with for the rest of my life.

I remember he once said when we were lying on his couch,

“You would do anything for me. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.  You would do anything for me too,” I smiled and nuzzled more into this chest.

He paused and squeezed me.

“Yes, actually I would.”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, originally uploaded by Fabio Allves.

Awhile ago, I posted the top ten songs, poems, and movies to hear and see when you are suffering from a broken heart.  I’m starting to feel better about a lot of things.  Accept everything that happened and realize that there are things that I am unable to control.  All I can do is be strong, and continue trekking on.  Life is too short to be so miserable.  If I died tomorrow, would I really want my last days on Earth to be moping around aching for someone who never really cared much about me to begin with?  No.

I created this Rhapsody playlist when I was enduring all that pain. Art in all forms can help you get through many hard parts in your life. They make you realize that there is someone out there who has gone through what you are going through, so you are not alone.  Also, that you will be alright.

Here is the playlist that I created, which you are able to listen to by pressing the Play icon. I hope that it can probably help someone out there.

Only for the Brokenhearted

Never Too Late by Three Days Grace

Better In Time by Leona Lewis

Aunque no te pueda ver by Alex Ubago

The Winner Takes It All by ABBA

Sin Miedo A Nada by Alex Ubago

The Story by Brandi Carlile

Through The Fire by Chaka Khan

Behind (Callea Club Mix) by Flanders

Hurt by Christina Aguilera

Prayer by Disturbed

Remember by Disturbed

I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues by Elton John

Tu Vacio by Enrique Iglesias

Solo En Ti by Enrique Iglesias

I Could Fall In Love With You by Erasure

Crazy On You by Heart

Heartless by Kanye West

Deseos De Cosas Imposibles by La Oreja De Van Gogh

West End Girls by Pet Shop Boys

Love Song by 311

Adia by Sarah McLachlan

Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan

I Love You by Sarah McLachlan

Someday by Soda Club

So Far Away by Staind

Get By by Talib Kweli

For All We Know by The Carpenters

Linger by The Cranberries

You Keep Me Hangin’ On by The Supremes

You Got Me by The Roots

Tardes Negras by Tiziano Ferro

Overload by Voodoo & Serano

White Flag by Dido

Saving All My Love For You by Whitney Houston

Last Night (Featuring Keyshia Cole) by Diddy

Torn by Natalie Imbruglia

Gotta Tell You  by Samantha Mumba

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley

Can a broken heart be mended?  Is love never having to say you’re sorry?  Do you forgive those you truly love?  Can anything separate two lovers?

You once said I was too idealistic and that this would be my downfall if I don’t start accepting reality.  It’s sad that you are the reason I no longer have this innocent idealistic point of view.  I know that you read my blog.  This is for you:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare

The last lists that I am going to post.  Sorry for being so solemn, but that is my current mood.  These are the movies, songs, and poems that I constantly read to try and find the answers to all of my questions of love and heartache.

Top Ten Movies for the BrokenHearted

Top Ten Songs:

1. Brandy and Boys II Men – BrokenHearted

2. Lasgo – Something

3. Hyde – Season’s Call

4. Dido – White Flag

5. Abba – The Winner Takes It All

6. Natalie Imbruglia

7. Chaka Khan – Through the Fire

8. Alex Ubago – Sin Miedo a Nada

9. Tiziano Ferrero – Tardes Negras

10. Brandi Carlisle – The Story

Top Ten Poems:

1. Shakespeare Sonnet 116

2. William Wordsworth – Splendor in the Grass

3. Emily Dickinson – After Great Pain

4.  Edgar Allen Poe – Annabel Lee

5. Lord Alfred Tennyson – Tear, Idle Tears

6. Sir Walter Raleigh – A Farewell to False Love

7. Emily Dickinson – Heart, We Will Forget HIm

8. Emily Bronte – Remembrance

9. Lord Byron – She Walks in Beauty Like the Night

10. Shakespeare Sonnet 147