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“We could never be in a relationship because you are too strong willed.”

My friend said this out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say. All I could muster was, “Why are we discussing this? We are never going to think of each other in that way.”

He said, “I just said it because I was thinking about it. You would probably rule the relationship.”

I know that this is one of the reasons that I am still single, and it’s sad that being a strong woman scares some guys away. It was the ending of a weekend where I kept thinking about my life and ever being with someone.

Lately I have this feeling that I am going to end up alone. I don’t know why I all of a sudden have been thinking this, but I have. When he said this, I realized that I probably will. I tried explaining to him that I have to be strong because I have two children who depend on me, and I don’t want to let them down. I also said that I was raised this way, and that I am proud of it. I now know that I wasn’t really talking to him, but to myself.

I don’t understand why this is such a turnoff for some guys.  Maybe because they think that “you would be in control of the relationship.”  Who knows.

Maybe I will find a guy who appreciates strength and will want to go on this journey called life with me.  However, I am not going to settle or change my personality for that to happen.

Today is my nephew’s 16th birthday. I can’t believe that he is already a teenager.

Karmyn,

I love you so much. I remember when you came into my life when I was 14. Kristine and I would always take care of you with no questions asked. It’s daunting that an 11-year old and 14-year old practically raised you. But, I think that is one of the reasons you are so cool is because we were good influences on you. You listen to all types of music, are open-minded, sweet, and loving.  It’s definitely something that Kristine and I are both proud of.

You were the most well-behaved baby. I remember that one time I was taking care of you one Friday night. We both fell asleep, but you got up. When everyone came home, while you were quietly playing, I was passed out. If it were another toddler, the house would have been destroyed!  Even til this day, you are a person who i don’t have to worry about. I love your innocence. It’s something that many 16-year old boys don’t have, but you have in abundance.

I was tearing up at your recital. I am glad that you are finally doing what you are passionate about. It irked me that your mother never put you in dance and music classes when you were younger. It’s something that I always told her you were amazing at, and you proved me right.

I love you, Kam Kam. Your aunt will always be there for you. Don’t ever hesitate to pick up the phone and call me. You were practically my first born, and so I love you just as much as I love Cebastian and Isabelle.  

Here is you are playing “Nocturne:”

The pictures that accompanied that amazing show:

Kamryn’s Recital

Love,

Your aunt

Well, my baby turns 38 tomorrow, and I am glad that I was able to celebrate it with him this weekend.  We did something that I have always wanted to do.  I met him at a bar, and we pretended as though we didn’t know one another.  It was hysterical because he knows the bartender.  The guy had no clue.  It was pretty funny and cute.  We went home together, and I bet the bartender was like “G. is a P-I-M-P!”  He is so amazing, and I wish he would realize that.  If he saw himself through my eyes, he would understand.  For almost three years, any guy who came along never measured up to him.  He said that the girl he dated for a bit hated me, and I know why.  We really sigh….

We’ve always had such a passionate and intimate relationship.  Every day that passes, I love him more and more and more.  It’s something that I didn’t think could be possible because I have been madly in love with him since 2006. 

My psychotic ex has finally taken the hint and left me alone.  G. thinks it’s not over yet, but I think it is because she finally has a new love interest, and the guy doesn’t know what a psychotic idiot she is.  I hope he never figures it out because while she is infatuated with him, she won’t bother me.  This girl ruined me for years, and I hope that she doesn’t do that to someone else.  She really is a bad seed.

I feel guilt, sad, and loss.  This person was a major part of my life for so long.  However, a tumultuous relationship where there was a lack of respect and cheating was an every day occurrence with this person, I don’t know if those feelings are justified.   I love L. as a person, but people are right.  If I want to get married and have more children one day, I have to let her move on.

L., I am truly sorry.  I know you hate me, but I hope that one day you can forgive me.  I did love you.  I’m sorry that I have to follow my heart and be with him.  He is my true love and always has been.  I hope you understand that one day and find someone who truly loves you.  I do wish you the best.

I have started the dreaded task of dating.  Dating is something that I am not super fond of.  I haven’t been in a serious relationship with a man since 2005, so I am not sure how I will do in one now.  Nevertheless, I do want to get married and have two more children one day, so I guess it’s time that I venture out there.  The kids are ready for me to find someone as well because they keep talking about having a new baby sister or brother one day. 

I decided to try Yahoo! Personals after failing miserably with Match.  Match seems to be more for people that do not have children and don’t want to date anyone who has any.  I am not angry because everyone has their preference, and I want to find someone who is comfortable being around children.  One of my best friends found her fiancé on Yahoo!, so I took her advice and decided to give it a chance.  Yahoo! seems a better fit.  Thanks Dawne!

Right now there are three guys: a Scientist, a Lawyer, and a TV Producer. 

Scientist – He is the only one that I have met so far.  He is in his early 30’s, used to be a teacher and coach, adores his dog, and is very intelligent.  I think he is great (so far).  We’ll see what happens on the second date.  We are supposed to go to a Greek restaurant, so I am pretty excited.

Lawyer – Meeting him for lunch tomorrow.  He seems really sweet, good looking, own practice, smart, and funny.  However, he is ready to get married and have children, and I worry that he will just commit to anyone.  Another thing is that he is only 5’9.  Being a taller than average women who loves her heels, I wonder if he will be too short for me.

TV Producer – We talk all the time, and he is the one that I like most of all.  Cute, funny, English major, laid back, and cool.  He is all a Producer for Animal Planet and Discovery Channel, which are two of my children and I favorite channels.  However, he lives in MD (I hate MD!), and he is legally separated.  I usually would run the other way, but he said that in MD they can’t get divorced until they have been legally separated for a year.  It’s something I know from my older sister.  However, not even a year separated and already on the playing field?

I hate dating.  If someone knows how to work a crystal ball, please let me know.