Being a woman is hard. You have to juggle so many hats that it leaves you dizzy. I am currently trying to launch my freelance writing career full-time, and by the time I am in bed, I am exhausted. With school-aged kids who are in different activities, being a single mother, having a full-time job, having family obligations, and dating, I have realized that I am stretching myself thin. Therefore, I have realized that I have to give up one thin – Dating.

I haven’t been very successful with it, and I feel that the majority of the time it’s a waste of time. In order for my dreams of being my own boss on a full-time basis to be realized, I have to let go of my quest to find love. In my career, things are starting to be heading in the right direction, and I have to place all of my energy there.

I know that to have a fulfilling, happy life, you have to find a balance. In the future, I plan on trying to find someone who wants the same things as me, and we get along great. Maybe, it’s also a little sense of disappointment in how things have played out this year for me. I feel like I was trying to force something that was not meant to happen.

My sister did create an Eharmony account for me because she said that it was time for me to find someone. After being harassed, I told her that I would try, but I wasn’t going to actively do it. If it happens, it happens.

I was watching this documentary about singles, and in one of the segments, they discussed women. It showed different experts and singles talking about how it seems that women still have to choose between having a successful career and having a family. One of the things they also talked about was that when a woman did have success in her career, she had a harder time finding a mate than a woman who had not achieved as much as she has.

I wonder why that is. Is it because they don’t have time to date, so they are able to focus more of their energy in their careers? Or is it true that men are scared off by successful women? I think it’s a combination of the two.

All I know is that right now I can’t think about finding a counterpart anymore. It is wasted time and energy that could have been used for something else.

The worst part about ending any kind of relationship is when that person has something of yours, especially when it’s something that you really want returned.  The guy and I didn’t end on the best of terms, so I think both of us were ok if we never spoke to one another again.  However, he still had my favorite necklace that I’ve had forever and has never let me down.  I have been thinking about it for over a month, so I decided to ask for it back.  The worst he could say was no.

Even through the email exchange, you can sense how awkward the entire situation was.  Usually, I try and not to forget anything that will force a conversation after everything is done.  I’ve had this happen once before when I was in my early twenties, and it was awful.  It was hard because I still had a huge crush on him, and he had moved on, so having to see him hurt.  After that, I always made sure to take my stuff.  When I was with Mr., he commented on it.  He found it weird, but I was still traumatized from that last experience.  With L., we were practically living together, so there were items that we both left at one another’s place.   After it ended, I didn’t mind that there were some things that I would never see again.  Now, here I was putting myself in the same awkward position.

Hopefully next time that I do leave something behind, I don’t have to worry about asking for it back.

It seems as though lately everyone wants to remind me that I’m still single. They act like being 31 and single is a horrible thing, and so they are constantly bringing up my relationship status. It started around 30. People would look at me with sympathetic eyes and feel sorry for the single mother who couldn’t find a decent guy. I remember going to a party with my parents, and all of their friends were asking me the same questions.

“Are you married?”

“You don’t have a boyfriend?”

“You better start dating before the train leaves you behind.”

I wanted to run out of there as fast as possible, and I could see that my mother was getting annoyed as well. Later on she would say, “Shevonne, you’re happy, so that’s all that matters.”

There is a saying in Panama that goes “Es mejor esta sola que mala acompanada.” Translation is “it’s better to be single than be in bad company.”

So what if I’m single? I already did the whole bad relationship fiasco because I thought it was better to be with someone. Let me say this. You feel more alone when you are constantly battling with someone, who isn’t putting into the relationship as much as you are. I constantly felt as though I was in a dark, wet cave drowning in my tears.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. It’s hard to date in a metropolitan area. People seem to have more of a selfish, ADHD personality. They don’t seem to want to invest the time and effort needed to have a good relationship. Add the White Rabbit mentality that runs rampant here. “I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.” It’s usually work. All people seem to do here is work. One great example is when I was doing eHarmony. A guy closed the match because he lived in DC and I lived in VA, and the distance was too far. I laughed. I only live 20-30 minutes from DC, depending on the location. It’s even harder for me than other single women because I have children.

I wish that I could just tell people to leave me alone about it. I’m happy being single. Yes, there are times that I feel a bout of loneliness and wish that I had someone enjoying life with me. However, I’m not going to push it.

For now, I will enjoy having a crush. I sometimes prefer having a crush than actually dating someone. You feel like a school-aged girl creating this entire life with someone you barely know. There are no complications or worries that he won’t like you because he doesn’t even know you are crushing on him. You smile because you are his secret admirer, and he has no clue. A crush is great, and everyone should have one.

People, leave me alone about being single. I’m super happy right now.  I have my family, including my children.  They drive me insane sometimes, but I have my companions.  I’m lucky to have found such wonderful friend who are constantly doing awesome stuff, and I get to reap the rewards. I love how passionate I am about many things, and I have met some wonderful people while doing them.  Who knows? I might end up alone.  Maybe I will find a guy who thinks I am as awesome as I think I am. In other words, let it rest.

Photo Detail: red shoe diary, originally uploaded by The_bosshog.

Pug Meetup – Buddha gettin’ sniffed, originally uploaded by jnhkrawczyk.

If you feel sadness because there could be a chance you could be losing an online friend or two, does that mean you don’t have any friends in real life?  Or you don’t value the ones you do have?  I don’t think so.  I think people who think this way miss the point.

For years, I have made many online friends, many who I still talk on a regular basis.  Additionally, I have been able to name some of them “real-life” friends.  They are the readers of my blog, my FriendFeeders, Tweeters, and other past social networks, like MySpace.  Whenever, I need to vent, pour my heart out, or want to share something funny, they are the ones who are there every day laughing and crying alongside me.  We share similar interests, and we have one thing in common: Many of the things we find interesting are not shared by our “real-life” friends.  My “real-life” friends sometimes make fun of me that I am a super geek, and that they have no clue how I can be so into technology.  I never have to hear this taunt from my online friends because many of them share my same passion.  If they don’t, they respect it.  Disclaimer: I put quotations around this because I feel that the people online are my real-life friends as well.  However, this is the only way to differentiate to people I have befriended in a non-Internet way.

I really hope that I never lose my online friends because they are the ones who keep me company when I am at work or alone on a Friday night.  When something happens to one of them, I am genuinely happy or sad (depending on the news) for them.  I feel that even though I haven’t met many of them in real life, they are still people I care about and wish all the happiness in the world for them and their loved ones.

I was really bummed when I heard of the possibility that one of my favorite social networks FriendFeed was probably not going to be the same in the future.  The first and only reason was for the people I have met on there.  They are all amazing people, and they are all different. This is what makes them special.  If I am sad of the possibility of not having the way to speak to them every day, like I have, then that doesn’t make me a loser.

Thank you for everything, and I hope that you know how much I appreciate all of you.  If one social network goes away, I will follow you wherever you go.