DC Femella

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Originally uploaded by lovebitesx

Will a machine ever be invented that will erase memories that people want to get rid of? Or is it something that will stay in the minds of the creators of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?” I remember watching this movie and thinking that one should never want to erase any part of his/her life. Now I want someone to build that machine, so I can use it on myself.

I’m a person who usually will get back up in an hour and be able to go. I can’t with this. Hope is something that one should never lose, and I have lost it, utterly and completely. It doesn’t matter now. Life goes on, and I just have to accept the way things are. My head hurts, and I feel like I can barely walk without wincing in pain. I can’t eat, smile, or laugh. I don’t think I ever will.

I know that I am getting punished for something. Maybe something I have done in this life or a past life, but I am. I wish I knew what so I could bear this better. All I want is to erase all my memories since 2006. Anything that reminds me: songs, photos, movies, etc. All I know is that all I have left to live for are my children. Nothing more.

If anyone ever builds that machine, I will pay whatever amount to use it.  For now,  I want to disappear.

Yesterday the kids and I went to the dentist.  I am pleased to announce that all of us got rave reviews.  They did they say that my daughter has some plaque on the bottom teeth, so I am helping her brush her teeth.  She has a tooth growing behind the other one, but the doctor said that she should be ok because when the tooth comes out, her tongue will thrust it forward.

Such a difference between a good dentist and bad one.  My dentist Dr. Richard Donohue is awesome!  I actually found him on the Washingtonian’s Top Dentist list (he’s still on there!).  When I first went to him, I had a gut-wrenching fear of dentists.  My dentist growing up was horrid.  I don’t know what my mother was thinking taking us to him.  He didn’t talk to us about any procedure, it was a frightening experience going to him, and he was very impersonal.  

When I was 19, while eating popcorn, I cracked my top left tooth on a kernel.  It went all the way to the root, so I needed a root canal.  It was probably the most painful experience in my life.  He didn’t numb me right and whenever he severed a nerve, I felt it.  After that, I was so traumatized that I didn’t want to go to the dentist ever again.  I didn’t until I was 24.  The only reason I did was because that same tooth cracked into pieces.  When I went to another dentist, I realized that he was suppose to put a crown on it that he never did.  This was another horrid experience.

First, I felt like I was transported back to the 60’s.  It also didn’t help that his dental assistant was one of the most hideous people who I have ever seen.  Imagine being in pain and then having to see a face that would scare children.  The process was painful, and I sweated the entire time I was there.  It made me not want to go to the dentist even more.

This changed when I had kids.  When my son was four, I finally forced myself to find a dentist and stick to it.  I have never been happier.  The gum behind the tooth had created a boil.  It seems that they never took the infection out.  Dr. Donohoue recommended a wonderful Root Canal Specialist Dr. Charlie Hong.  At first, I was freaking out so much that the Specialist asked if I needed Valium, but that he promised that it would be painless.  I gulped a few breaths of air, and said I would calm down. He was true to his word.  Didn’t hurt at all.  

Dr. Donohue took care of the rest, and I have no more issues with the tooth.  The kids love him as well.  My son is asking if we can go to the dentist every week.  The entire team is awesome.  They give you suggestions, are very warm and friendly, put you at ease, and try to ensure that you are comfortable.  Complete 180 from the dentists from my past.  

Definitely find a good dentist.  I highly recommend this if you have children.  My mom wasn’t the best listener so she never paid attention to our complaints.  I try and listen to my kids and ensure that they are comfortable.  I don’t want them waiting years to get their teeth checked because they have a crazy phobia due to a bad dentist.

Can a broken heart be mended?  Is love never having to say you’re sorry?  Do you forgive those you truly love?  Can anything separate two lovers?

You once said I was too idealistic and that this would be my downfall if I don’t start accepting reality.  It’s sad that you are the reason I no longer have this innocent idealistic point of view.  I know that you read my blog.  This is for you:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments; love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no, it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his heighth be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Sonnet 116
William Shakespeare

The last lists that I am going to post.  Sorry for being so solemn, but that is my current mood.  These are the movies, songs, and poems that I constantly read to try and find the answers to all of my questions of love and heartache.

Top Ten Movies for the BrokenHearted

Top Ten Songs:

1. Brandy and Boys II Men – BrokenHearted

2. Lasgo – Something

3. Hyde – Season’s Call

4. Dido – White Flag

5. Abba – The Winner Takes It All

6. Natalie Imbruglia

7. Chaka Khan – Through the Fire

8. Alex Ubago – Sin Miedo a Nada

9. Tiziano Ferrero – Tardes Negras

10. Brandi Carlisle – The Story

Top Ten Poems:

1. Shakespeare Sonnet 116

2. William Wordsworth – Splendor in the Grass

3. Emily Dickinson – After Great Pain

4.  Edgar Allen Poe – Annabel Lee

5. Lord Alfred Tennyson – Tear, Idle Tears

6. Sir Walter Raleigh – A Farewell to False Love

7. Emily Dickinson – Heart, We Will Forget HIm

8. Emily Bronte – Remembrance

9. Lord Byron – She Walks in Beauty Like the Night

10. Shakespeare Sonnet 147

The weekend is here, and I am beyond happy.  I have been slaving away at work, and now I want to be able to relax and work on my business.  My friend D. wants to keep me company while I am totally depressed about my situation, so I am heading over to her place on Saturday night.  I would have done it today, but I want to be alone with Haji while I contemplate on what I am going to do with my life.  I have to write down some goals for myself and keep writing so I don’t keep thinking about G.  It’s over, and I can’t seem to think about it anymore without tearing up.  I guess the only thing that kills me is that he is the cause of everything that happened, but he decides to run away.  If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have spoken to L., and I wouldn’t be in the predicament that I was in.  D. had her own issues, and her boyfriend stuck by her, and he didn’t even CAUSE IT!  G. totally abandons me. It proves that he didn’t love me enough.  It seems to be the trend with him. Never enough.

I’m 30 and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to remain alone.  I think in the 30 years of life, I’ve only had one relationship where I felt like I had a companion.  It’s funny but once I went to a Palm Reader (keep your chuckles to yourselves), and she basically told me that I would never be with anyone. 

I’m fine with it.  I just want to have two more children.  I already told my mom that if I am not married by 33, I am going to get artificially inseminated.  She freaked because she is totally afraid that I will be 100% lesbian.  Whatever, I really don’t seem to care what people think about me at this point.  I just want to find some form of happiness.  It’s something that I haven’t been able to attain for such a long time. 

Totally off topic, but I am sick and tired of my office neighbor passing gas like it’s going out of style.  How much gas can this man pass?  It’s disgusting.  At least say, “EXCUSE ME!”

I hope that everyone has a lovely weekend and that it’s full of hope, passion, and love.

It took for me to be totally immobilized to finally get up and start being productive.  Maybe the reason why is that when I was pregnant with Isabelle, I was bedridden for two months.  It was the most boring, torturous time in my life, and now I abhor doing nothing.  My friends and family are always telling me to relax and stand still for a second, but I can’t.  My mind is always racing a mile a minute, and I have to move with it.

Even if I am walking like I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I am cleaning my house, buying Christmas gifts online, creating my freelance writing web site and blog, and then looking for the Akira DVD that I seemed to have misplaced. 

I just have to keep on moving.  Soul II Soul knows what I’m talking about: