On 26 January, my little sister Kristine Polastre passed away. I’m devastated and feel like every moment that passes is harder and harder. I will be practically MIA for awhile until I am able to breathe without feeling any pain. I love you so much Kristine, and I hope to see you when I one day am gone.  Anie and I will always feel a void because without you, nothing feels right.

Here is something I wrote October that describes exactly the way I feel about her: My Sister, My Soulmate

After great pain a formal feeling comes–

The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;
The stiff Heart questions–was it He that bore?
And yesterday–or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round
A wooden way
Of ground, or air, or ought,
Regardless grown,
A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead
Remembered if outlived,
As freezing persons recollect the snow–
First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

- Emily Dickinson

For the past six months, I have been having trouble with my left shoulder.  It’s tight and painful.  I try doing circular movements and pulling it back to see if it’s dislodged. Nothing.

Today, more than ever, it is really bothering me. I don’t know if it’s the way I was sleeping or what, but the pain is constant now. I know that I should head to the doctor, but I have to be suffering enough for me to go. I know that isn’t good, but that is how I’ve always been.

I went three weeks with pneumonia before I finally got pushed to go to the doctor. The doctor said that if I would have waited a few more days, I probably would have been hospitalized.   Due to that, I coughed like a smoker for two years because my lungs were scarred.

Has anyone had similar issues with his/her shoulder? It started getting worse when I started actively running, but I don’t understand why that would be an issue. I guess maybe it’s time that I stop being such a wimp and head to the doctor’s.

Today I watched one of my favorite movies of all time, “Legends of the Fall.” This movie stars Brad Pitt as Tristan (I was about to name Cebastian after this character).  Everyone who loves him fall to tragedy in some way or the other. There are some people who are like this. They are tormented souls who destroy anyone who comes near them, even when they don’t mean to. For some reason, people love them quickly and deeply but it only causes them to suffer more.

It’s like they said in the movie, “He was a rock they broke themselves against however much he tried to protect them more.”

People like this are meant to roam free and alone. They shouldn’t be surrounded by people because it only causes them to feel more alienated from the world. The entire time they feel they have to take care of everyone that they fail to take care of themselves.

If you ever meet someone like this, just realize that all you are doing is causing yourself pain.  In the end, you will be left broken and alone.  I am glad that I was able to survive this, but there are many people don’t.  I now stay clear of men like him.

Photo Detail: fall, originally uploaded by Rachael Chavez.

Last night I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time since I bought the DVD back in May when the movie was released. Even though I wanted to watch it, I couldn’t bring myself to doing it. When I watched this movie at the theater, I cried the entire day. I remember calling my mom and talking about how much it reminded me of my ex, who I had recently broken up with.   I didn’t really understand why it did until I watched it this time around.

They loved each other so much, but he realized he had to let her go (I won’t reveal more than that in case you haven’t seen it).  He knew he had to because all he was going to do was cause her grief and pain.  My eyes weren’t dry for long cause I realized that’s what G. had done for me.  I spent the entire night writing in my diary, crying, and re-reading his letters to me, especially his goodbye letter.  How could I have not realized what he was actually doing?

Right after watching the movie, I checked out PostSecret and saw this postcard that made me wonder if he had sent it.  I talked to my sister in Afghanistan and told her what I finally figured out.  She responded,

“You just realized that?”

Yes, I did.  The pain I felt when he left was so unbearable that it shrouded me from the truth.  I thought he was being selfish and really not thinking about me.  How wrong I was to think that?  One night at 2:00 a.m.,  before the incident that made him doubt if he was good enough for me, he unexpectedly texted me.

“I think I could be completely yours.”

Last night was me letting go of the pain I felt for losing him.  He would have wanted me to find that person he thought he couldn’t be.  A person who is not suffering from depression, pain, and regret, and thought that he didn’t deserve the love I had for him.  This morning I woke up with a smile and a feeling that I will soon find that person who I will be with for the rest of my life.

I remember he once said when we were lying on his couch,

“You would do anything for me. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.  You would do anything for me too,” I smiled and nuzzled more into this chest.

He paused and squeezed me.

“Yes, actually I would.”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, originally uploaded by Fabio Allves.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

Originally uploaded by lovebitesx

Will a machine ever be invented that will erase memories that people want to get rid of? Or is it something that will stay in the minds of the creators of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?” I remember watching this movie and thinking that one should never want to erase any part of his/her life. Now I want someone to build that machine, so I can use it on myself.

I’m a person who usually will get back up in an hour and be able to go. I can’t with this. Hope is something that one should never lose, and I have lost it, utterly and completely. It doesn’t matter now. Life goes on, and I just have to accept the way things are. My head hurts, and I feel like I can barely walk without wincing in pain. I can’t eat, smile, or laugh. I don’t think I ever will.

I know that I am getting punished for something. Maybe something I have done in this life or a past life, but I am. I wish I knew what so I could bear this better. All I want is to erase all my memories since 2006. Anything that reminds me: songs, photos, movies, etc. All I know is that all I have left to live for are my children. Nothing more.

If anyone ever builds that machine, I will pay whatever amount to use it.  For now,  I want to disappear.