Productivity Deriving From Pain12.05.08

It took for me to be totally immobilized to finally get up and start being productive.  Maybe the reason why is that when I was pregnant with Isabelle, I was bedridden for two months.  It was the most boring, torturous time in my life, and now I abhor doing nothing.  My friends and family are always telling me to relax and stand still for a second, but I can’t.  My mind is always racing a mile a minute, and I have to move with it.

Even if I am walking like I’m the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I am cleaning my house, buying Christmas gifts online, creating my freelance writing web site and blog, and then looking for the Akira DVD that I seemed to have misplaced. 

I just have to keep on moving.  Soul II Soul knows what I’m talking about:

 

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Guilt Ridden10.22.08

I feel guilt, sad, and loss.  This person was a major part of my life for so long.  However, a tumultuous relationship where there was a lack of respect and cheating was an every day occurrence with this person, I don’t know if those feelings are justified.   I love L. as a person, but people are right.  If I want to get married and have more children one day, I have to let her move on.

L., I am truly sorry.  I know you hate me, but I hope that one day you can forgive me.  I did love you.  I’m sorry that I have to follow my heart and be with him.  He is my true love and always has been.  I hope you understand that one day and find someone who truly loves you.  I do wish you the best.

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What Is Your Poison? Betrayal08.18.08

Betrayal is one of the worst feelings to feel. It is right up there with grief, pain, and loss. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped open. The sad thing is that I allow this person to continuously do this to me over and over again. It feels like I have been crying since I met that person. Here are some of my favorite quotes dealing with betrayal:

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though … betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. – Steven Deitz

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. – Arthur Miller

Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources. – Linda Talley

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal - Tennessee Williams

Trust can take years to build, but only a second to break. - Unknown

And I believe love should be like this Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I’m a lot like Marianne from “Sense and Sensbility.” Maybe that is my problem.  I need to get over this.  I need to continue to focus on my children and myself.  I was glad I could speak to my sister today.  She is right.  I am strong, and I will get through this.

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    Thirtysomething living in the DC area. My passions are art, music, movies, traveling, books, education, and the great outdoors. I am super afraid of heights, but I still want to go to sky diving.
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