goodbye lover 1, originally uploaded by maiacb.

One of my favorite Chinese stories is about letting go of the past:

Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the road sides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk accross because of a puddle of water. The elder of the two monks went up to a her, lifted her in his arms, left her on the other side of the road, and continued his way to the monastery.

In the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and said, “Sir, as monks, we cannot touch a woman ?”

The elder monk answered “Yes, brother”.

Then the younger monk asks again, ” But then Sir, how is that you lifted that woman on the roadside ?”

The elder monk smiled at him and told him ” I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her “

I used to live in the past and the future. I only focused on what had happened to me, and what I was going to do to fix it, so I could have the future I envisioned. I forgot to do one thing: Live in the present.

The present is the only place that I want to live now. If something occurs that makes me feel an ounce of unhappiness, I hash it out right then and there, so I don’t have to think about it hours or days later. It’s one of the reasons that I love blogging. It’s a great outlet to quickly let go all the emotions you are feeling, so you are able to enjoy your life. One of things in my past that I had a hard time letting go of were two of my exes, especially one of them.

I kept thinking about all the “What If” scenarios that could have saved our relationship, but I now understand that there are times that things just don’t work out. This morning I woke up to read a text message from my ex. I loved this person very much, and I still do. However, I now understand that I don’t want to go down that route again. My old blog and diaries reinforced this because all I talked about was how unhappy I was with all the stuff that happened between us. I am not going to let history repeat itself.

My life now is different than it was when I first started this blog. I am so much happier now than before. I smile effortlessly, rarely complain, and I will try anything once, even if I might fail. I replied back to my ex, who said how life is better now:

I am happy that you are happy. You will now find people who are a reflection of you. I wish you luck.

My ex kept texting about seeing me again and how I special I am. However, I didn’t respond. For the first time, I realize that it’s called the past for a reason.

Awesome Animae, originally uploaded by grimlok2k6.

“We could never be in a relationship because you are too strong willed.”

My friend said this out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say. All I could muster was, “Why are we discussing this? We are never going to think of each other in that way.”

He said, “I just said it because I was thinking about it. You would probably rule the relationship.”

I know that this is one of the reasons that I am still single, and it’s sad that being a strong woman scares some guys away. It was the ending of a weekend where I kept thinking about my life and ever being with someone.

Lately I have this feeling that I am going to end up alone. I don’t know why I all of a sudden have been thinking this, but I have. When he said this, I realized that I probably will. I tried explaining to him that I have to be strong because I have two children who depend on me, and I don’t want to let them down. I also said that I was raised this way, and that I am proud of it. I now know that I wasn’t really talking to him, but to myself.

I don’t understand why this is such a turnoff for some guys.  Maybe because they think that “you would be in control of the relationship.”  Who knows.

Maybe I will find a guy who appreciates strength and will want to go on this journey called life with me.  However, I am not going to settle or change my personality for that to happen.

Mother’s Day 2009
Originally uploaded by dreamingindc

I was happy that my grandmother was able to attend Isabelle’s graduation. However, i could sense that she wasn’t her usual self. She was quiet, serious, and didn’t interact with us. My mother took me to the side and told me that my uncle in Panama had a heart attack, and that my grandmother was worried sick. We both knew that if something were to happen to my uncle, my grandmother would not live. She had already endured the death of my aunt and her younger sister (who died in April), so I don’t think she could live if another child of hers passes away.

My mother told us that she was having anxiety attacks, and that she couldn’t walk two steps without almost fainting. My sister and I urged my mother to take her to the ER before she got on the plane that night to back to Panama. I called this morning, and my grandmother had severe high blood pressure and water retention. The doctors gave her medicine that helped. She is now in Panama. I can’t help to think that if she would have gotten on that plane, she probably would have died.

My cousins, sisters, and I are lucky that we’ve had our grandmother for this long. I remember being a little kid and hearing a lot of my classmates saying that their grandparents were dead. It didn’t make sense to me because I had both grandparents living at the time. My children are lucky that they have their great-grandmother here with them, and they are able to enjoy all this time with her that others never have been able to have. I want two more children, and I want them to know their grandmother as well. Even thinking about the day my grandmother leaves this world, gets me all choked up. I know that all of us eventually leave this world, and my grandmother has lived longer than many people, but it’s still hard.

Just give me a few more years with her. That’s all I ask.

Diana Reeves’ “Better Days” reminds me of mi abuela

The secret admirer, originally uploaded by dougellin.

I am at work counting down to when I can finally cut out and head to Isabelle’s Kindergarten graduation when I get a call.

“Hello?”

“Is this Shevonne Polastre?” says a husky voice at the other end of the phone.

“Yes?”

“Hi, I have some flowers for you.”

I am somewhat hard of hearing (I need subtitles when I watch movies), so I thought that I heard wrong.  Also, I have never received flowers, except once.  I was 19, and my date gave me a single rose on our first date.  Therefore, it has been a long time.

“Excuse me?”

“I am at your house, and I have some flowers for you.”

“Oh! Err…ummmm…could you leave them in front of my door?  I’m at work” I responded.

“Ok, will do.”

We exchanged goodbyes, and I am left here wondering who sent me flowers?  I went through the usual suspects.  I contacted the ones I still talk to, and they all said no.  This feeling that I have is something that I haven’t felt since high school.  The giddiness of a secret admirer who secretly worships you without ever revealing who he/she is.

There is one person left, but I seriously doubt that it’s him.  The last time we communicated was his goodbye email to me saying that he was done with our relationship.  It took me awhile, but I have finally come to terms that it is over, and now I get these secret flowers?  Is it him?  Is this his way of apologizing?  No, I felt when I got that email that it was finally the end.

Then who is it?  In a way, I hope the card is blank or is signed “Your Secret Admirer,” so I can keep this feeling.  It will probably be the last time that I feel this way, and I don’t want to lose it.

秒速５センチメートル

Originally uploaded by もりもり

How do you tell someone you miss him/her? Do you write that someone a letter? Email? Or do you call that person on the phone and profess how much you miss him/her? Do you lavish that person with gifts? Or do you prefer to send that person a homemade gift that is straight from the heart?

Missing a person is one of the hardest things that people can do. They always think about how that person is doing, how the person is, and always have that glimmer of hope that person will contact them. Whenever there is a chance that they are able to find out about that person, they will do anything possible to.

Usually though, all they have left are the memories that person has left behind. Maybe it’s their pride, that person’s pride, or fear of rejection that keep them from making any attempts to contact one another.

If I could contact the people I miss, I would say to them these simple words:

Let’s forget the past; forget the future; and let’s just make the present work.