When it comes to love, some people are idealistic, and others are realistic. I remember a conversation I had with my ex two years ago.

“You are too idealistic,” he said to me.

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“It’s going to break you one day.”

“What?”

“You need to realize that you have to think realistically about relationships and realize that you are going to have to eventually settle. You can’t live life in this rosy-glass way that you seem to live.”

For the first time, I was speechless. Why couldn’t I be idealistic about love? I’m very similar to Marianne from “Sense and Sensibility” and Clementine from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Side note: Funny that Kate Winslet played them both. They are my favorite characters and it was due to this passion and innocence that they had. It’s one of the reasons people love me, including him, so why is it a bad thing?

In Sense and Sensibility,” Colonel Brandon says it perfectly, “I knew a lady very like your sister – the same impulsive sweetness of temper – who was forced into, as you put it, a better acquaintance with the world. The result was only ruination and despair. Do not desire it, Miss Dashwood.”

I dealt with that ruination and despair last year, and I picked up the pieces and are happier than ever. I decided to go the realistic route, but all it did was cause me to become mean and bitter. In the end, I decided that isn’t for me. I love that I still have this innocent view about the world, and I don’t care if I remain alone due to that. I’m not going to change myself.

I was on the plan to Tampa between an antisocial guy and a man who kept drinking rum and diet Coke. It was a trip that I didn’t want to go on because I hate leaving the kids for longer than two days, but now I am kind of glad that I am here. Side rant: I’m a little disappointed that US Airways doesn’t have Wifi on their flights, but I heard in 2010 that they will. In a way, it doesn’t matter because the bulky work PC laptop that I have to drag around would have just been a pain (it’s currently in the bin above me). Knowing me, I would have probably smacked one of the guys next to me on the head and then had him give me dirty looks the entire 2.5 hours. When I’m not working, I wonder what I will be doing to pass the time. The hotel shuttle driver said that he would take me to the malls and restaurants if he doesn’t have to pick up/drop off people at the airport. I know that I am going to do some shopping while I am here. When I’m on the plane, I always reflect about my life. Life looks good. I remember this time last year, I was hating life. Now, I can’t complain. Yes, the love department could be better, but I’m working on that. A month ago, I joined eHarmony. I tried it once before with horrible luck. I do know why. The negative energy surrounding me oozed into my words. Reading what I wrote, I wouldn’t date me. I updated it, and now I am getting tons of guys wanting to communicate.  Another reason why I wasn’t meeting anyone. Another department that I need to work on is career.  I really want to freelance full-time, but with my company keeping me, I decided maybe things happened for a reason.  I am still looking for another position.  Yesterday, I made my resume public.  I already had four c0mpanies contact me for different positions, so I think by the end of this month, I will have a better job.  At the same time, I am writing my book, blogging, and networking.  I am getting more exposure, so I can’t complain. By 2010, I envision all my efforts this year would have paid off. Photo Details: Downtown Tampa, originally uploaded by doxadigital.

Last night I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time since I bought the DVD back in May when the movie was released. Even though I wanted to watch it, I couldn’t bring myself to doing it. When I watched this movie at the theater, I cried the entire day. I remember calling my mom and talking about how much it reminded me of my ex, who I had recently broken up with.   I didn’t really understand why it did until I watched it this time around.

They loved each other so much, but he realized he had to let her go (I won’t reveal more than that in case you haven’t seen it).  He knew he had to because all he was going to do was cause her grief and pain.  My eyes weren’t dry for long cause I realized that’s what G. had done for me.  I spent the entire night writing in my diary, crying, and re-reading his letters to me, especially his goodbye letter.  How could I have not realized what he was actually doing?

Right after watching the movie, I checked out PostSecret and saw this postcard that made me wonder if he had sent it.  I talked to my sister in Afghanistan and told her what I finally figured out.  She responded,

“You just realized that?”

Yes, I did.  The pain I felt when he left was so unbearable that it shrouded me from the truth.  I thought he was being selfish and really not thinking about me.  How wrong I was to think that?  One night at 2:00 a.m.,  before the incident that made him doubt if he was good enough for me, he unexpectedly texted me.

“I think I could be completely yours.”

Last night was me letting go of the pain I felt for losing him.  He would have wanted me to find that person he thought he couldn’t be.  A person who is not suffering from depression, pain, and regret, and thought that he didn’t deserve the love I had for him.  This morning I woke up with a smile and a feeling that I will soon find that person who I will be with for the rest of my life.

I remember he once said when we were lying on his couch,

“You would do anything for me. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.  You would do anything for me too,” I smiled and nuzzled more into this chest.

He paused and squeezed me.

“Yes, actually I would.”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, originally uploaded by Fabio Allves.

Attraction Principle # 29, originally uploaded by agent lover.

I don’t understand why we tend to always want the people who don’t treat us the way we should be treated.  My theory is that everyone wants a challenge.  They want to be the one who eventually “changes” the person.  I don’t know what it is, but I think it’s something that we need to stop.  There are plenty of nice people out there, but we never give them a chance.  Instead, we waste our time on people who will never do anything for us but give us a broken heart.