I was happy that my grandmother was able to attend Isabelle’s graduation. However, i could sense that she wasn’t her usual self. She was quiet, serious, and didn’t interact with us. My mother took me to the side and told me that my uncle in Panama had a heart attack, and that my grandmother was worried sick. We both knew that if something were to happen to my uncle, my grandmother would not live. She had already endured the death of my aunt and her younger sister (who died in April), so I don’t think she could live if another child of hers passes away.
My mother told us that she was having anxiety attacks, and that she couldn’t walk two steps without almost fainting. My sister and I urged my mother to take her to the ER before she got on the plane that night to back to Panama. I called this morning, and my grandmother had severe high blood pressure and water retention. The doctors gave her medicine that helped. She is now in Panama. I can’t help to think that if she would have gotten on that plane, she probably would have died.
My cousins, sisters, and I are lucky that we’ve had our grandmother for this long. I remember being a little kid and hearing a lot of my classmates saying that their grandparents were dead. It didn’t make sense to me because I had both grandparents living at the time. My children are lucky that they have their great-grandmother here with them, and they are able to enjoy all this time with her that others never have been able to have. I want two more children, and I want them to know their grandmother as well. Even thinking about the day my grandmother leaves this world, gets me all choked up. I know that all of us eventually leave this world, and my grandmother has lived longer than many people, but it’s still hard.
Just give me a few more years with her. That’s all I ask.
Diana Reeves’ “Better Days” reminds me of mi abuela
I am at work counting down to when I can finally cut out and head to Isabelle’s Kindergarten graduation when I get a call.
“Hello?”
“Is this Shevonne Polastre?” says a husky voice at the other end of the phone.
“Yes?”
“Hi, I have some flowers for you.”
I am somewhat hard of hearing (I need subtitles when I watch movies), so I thought that I heard wrong. Also, I have never received flowers, except once. I was 19, and my date gave me a single rose on our first date. Therefore, it has been a long time.
“Excuse me?”
“I am at your house, and I have some flowers for you.”
“Oh! Err…ummmm…could you leave them in front of my door? I’m at work” I responded.
“Ok, will do.”
We exchanged goodbyes, and I am left here wondering who sent me flowers? I went through the usual suspects. I contacted the ones I still talk to, and they all said no. This feeling that I have is something that I haven’t felt since high school. The giddiness of a secret admirer who secretly worships you without ever revealing who he/she is.
There is one person left, but I seriously doubt that it’s him. The last time we communicated was his goodbye email to me saying that he was done with our relationship. It took me awhile, but I have finally come to terms that it is over, and now I get these secret flowers? Is it him? Is this his way of apologizing? No, I felt when I got that email that it was finally the end.
Then who is it? In a way, I hope the card is blank or is signed “Your Secret Admirer,” so I can keep this feeling. It will probably be the last time that I feel this way, and I don’t want to lose it.
How do you tell someone you miss him/her? Do you write that someone a letter? Email? Or do you call that person on the phone and profess how much you miss him/her? Do you lavish that person with gifts? Or do you prefer to send that person a homemade gift that is straight from the heart?
Missing a person is one of the hardest things that people can do. They always think about how that person is doing, how the person is, and always have that glimmer of hope that person will contact them. Whenever there is a chance that they are able to find out about that person, they will do anything possible to.
Usually though, all they have left are the memories that person has left behind. Maybe it’s their pride, that person’s pride, or fear of rejection that keep them from making any attempts to contact one another.
If I could contact the people I miss, I would say to them these simple words:
Let’s forget the past; forget the future; and let’s just make the present work.
I remember when my then 18-year old sister told us that she was pregnant. My younger sister and I were shocked and excited to see our first niece or nephew and the future to behold him/her. When Kamryn came into our lives, we couldn’t get enough of him. He was this pudgy, calm baby who would look at us with his huge, brown eyes.
My older sister wasn’t ready to be a mother, so my 11-year old sister and my 14-year old self practically raised him. We would feed him, take him wherever we went, and spoil him rotten. It was at this moment that I knew that I was destined to be a mother because I already felt like one at this point.
Now, Kamryn is 16, and he is such an amazing young man. He still has this innocence about him that I hope he never loses. One thing that I know that my sister and I instilled in him was his love for music. We tried to get my older sister to put him in music classes, but she never did. However, it didn’t stop him. I love when he calls me “Mommy,” and I hope that he does til the day that I die.
It took me three hours to get to his music concert yesterday, but when I saw him, I knew it was worth it. He was so happy that the kids and I were there, and I couldn’t tear up watching this young man who now overtowers me. I hope that he continues on this wonderful path, and never lets life or anyone get him down.
Awhile ago, I posted the top ten songs, poems, and movies to hear and see when you are suffering from a broken heart. I’m starting to feel better about a lot of things. Accept everything that happened and realize that there are things that I am unable to control. All I can do is be strong, and continue trekking on. Life is too short to be so miserable. If I died tomorrow, would I really want my last days on Earth to be moping around aching for someone who never really cared much about me to begin with? No.
I created this Rhapsody playlist when I was enduring all that pain. Art in all forms can help you get through many hard parts in your life. They make you realize that there is someone out there who has gone through what you are going through, so you are not alone. Also, that you will be alright.
Here is the playlist that I created, which you are able to listen to by pressing the Play icon. I hope that it can probably help someone out there.
Only for the Brokenhearted
