DC Femella

December has definitely started off with a bang. I wish that I could say in a good kind of way, but unfortunately, I can’t. First, I found out that people very close to my heart might need major operations for one thing or the other. I’m trying to remain positive, but being a person who usually sees the glass as half empty, it’s been really hard. If one of these people were to take a turn for the worse, I would be devastated. Let’s hope it doesn’t lead to hospital stays and that they fully recover.

Secondly, there is a huge water hole on my ceiling in the kitchen because of the renovations going on in the upstairs condo. The lady who lives there and I have already gotten into a heated spat, so I really hate that I have to deal with her again. I hope that the Contractor remains as nice and willing to help to fix the damage as he has been, or else the bitch in me is coming out. Tomorrow, I will have to call my condo association. Grr…..

The insomnia is still there. I have huge black circles under my eyes that keep getting progressively worse. It’s gotten to the point where the black circles are now bulging out. I need to call my doctor so she can up my sleeping pill dose to the point that it can knock down a horse.

The only good news is the coming of Christmas and the wonderful movies, songs, and events that occur in this wondrous time. I decorated my tree, and I am now buying everyone’s gifts. Here are some pics:

Here’s to sweet dreams and for wishes to come true!

Well, my baby turns 38 tomorrow, and I am glad that I was able to celebrate it with him this weekend.  We did something that I have always wanted to do.  I met him at a bar, and we pretended as though we didn’t know one another.  It was hysterical because he knows the bartender.  The guy had no clue.  It was pretty funny and cute.  We went home together, and I bet the bartender was like “G. is a P-I-M-P!”  He is so amazing, and I wish he would realize that.  If he saw himself through my eyes, he would understand.  For almost three years, any guy who came along never measured up to him.  He said that the girl he dated for a bit hated me, and I know why.  We really sigh….

We’ve always had such a passionate and intimate relationship.  Every day that passes, I love him more and more and more.  It’s something that I didn’t think could be possible because I have been madly in love with him since 2006. 

My psychotic ex has finally taken the hint and left me alone.  G. thinks it’s not over yet, but I think it is because she finally has a new love interest, and the guy doesn’t know what a psychotic idiot she is.  I hope he never figures it out because while she is infatuated with him, she won’t bother me.  This girl ruined me for years, and I hope that she doesn’t do that to someone else.  She really is a bad seed.

I’m so in love that I can’t think about anything else, but that feeling. It’s exhilarating feeling that you almost have everything you’ve always wanted: the man of my dreams, my children, great career, amazing health, wonderful friends, and happy. I haven’t been happy for a very long time, so I am feeling kind of weird about it. It feels too good to be true, and I’m afraid that in an instant, I am going to lose it all. Happiness is a feeling that everyone covets, and I finally have it.

My past relationship wasn’t the best. The person was constantly cheating, lying, BREAKING MY SHIT, and a drama starter. My drama-free life was all of a sudden consumed with it when I was with this person. I feel bad because after Eric, I vowed never to allow myself to get into a horrible relationship where there was a lack of respect and honesty. Lo and behold, I was in one again.  Everyone who met this person told me there was something wanting in this person’s eyes. I still care for this person, but I know it’s for the best.

Grover has always been my sanity throughout all of it. He would listen to me and give me the best advice.  Every time we stopped speaking, I felt sad and lost. I secretly cried because I didn’t have him in my life.  The last time we stopped speaking, I became a total hermit because I didn’t care about anything, but the kids.  I tried to start dating a few times, but they never compared to him.  Now, I have him completely in my life. Even if we don’t last as a couple, I know we will last as friends.

He told me that whenever I smile at him, he feels like he loses all reason.  He said that he smiles more when I’m around.  Also, that he wants to be with me the rest of our lives.  We are planning a trip in January, so I am excited for that.  I wanted to go skydiving this month, but he wants to wait til the weather gets better cause he knows I hate the cold.   I wanted to because I want to get rid of my fear of heights, and also I want to do it so I can feel like I finally have wings.

I’ve always felt like Marianne in “Sense and Sensibility” with Willoughby. I now feel like Marianne and Willoughby have been given a second chance through us.  This video is Marianne reciting Shakespeare Sonnet 116.  It describes how ideal love should be.  I use to watch this scene and cry cause I had lost that, but now I found it again.

Betrayal is one of the worst feelings to feel. It is right up there with grief, pain, and loss. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped open. The sad thing is that I allow this person to continuously do this to me over and over again. It feels like I have been crying since I met that person. Here are some of my favorite quotes dealing with betrayal:

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though … betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. – Steven Deitz

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. – Arthur Miller

Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources. – Linda Talley

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal - Tennessee Williams

Trust can take years to build, but only a second to break. - Unknown

And I believe love should be like this Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I’m a lot like Marianne from “Sense and Sensbility.” Maybe that is my problem.  I need to get over this.  I need to continue to focus on my children and myself.  I was glad I could speak to my sister today.  She is right.  I am strong, and I will get through this.