There are some decisions that will change your entire life.  These will usually affect others as well.  Since my sister passed away, I have been in thinking mode.  Thinking about what I really want out of life, what will give the children the best future possible, and who I want to be part of this new life.  Therefore, I decided to make some pretty drastic decisions.

The company I’ve been working at for the past three years informed me that they are losing contracts, so they will not be able to retain me after June.  I was happy because I had already decided to quit in June, so it worked out.  I decided to focus on my freelance writing business.  I was pretty successful the first time.  The only issue was that my friend and I were not the best business partners because we had different work ethics, so the business bombed.  It’s one of the reasons that I have been so afraid to try again.

In Napoleon Hill’s “Think and Grow Rich,”  he says that the people who have made a difference in this world usually started after a tragedy.  He’s right. I realize now that my sister died that I will have regrets if I didn’t attempt to go solo.  If I fail, then at least I can say that I tried.  I am currently in the process of setting everything up, so I can become a Freelance Consultant.  I also want to work on my passion, which is biking and running.  Therefore, I am going to start BikeLife.TV.  This will be in the future.  Another thing that I want to do is work on getting people to be more aware about a special cause.  I will reveal this after I have given it more thought.

On my trip to Panama, I also realize another thing.  I really have been raising the kids 100% alone.  The kids’ father only sees them two days out of the month.  He refuses to get the kids in Fairfax, but every time I turn around, he is going to a concert or hanging out in DC.  The entire time we were in Panama, he didn’t even bother to call or email.  It’s something that is typical because I can go a month without hearing from him.  The day before we left, I had to text him so he could call his before they boarded the plane.

What is the point of continuing to make a man be a father when in actuality, he wasn’t cut out for it? In the past, I kept him around due to not having enough money to raise the kids on my own.  I would have to pay $1800 a month on child care, so I could work, and I made too much to get any support from the government.  It’s something that he always held over my head.  Now, I am ready for him to take his money and leave.  I hope he accepts that he was not meant to be a father, and skips out.

I’ve let fear overrun me for too long.  It’s time that I live my life.  I want my sister to be proud of me, so I need to start now.

I can’t believe that the year (and I was reminded that also the decade) is almost over. It seems like I was in my early twenties just yesterday, which is how old I was when this decade began. I think back on all the things that I have gone through since 2000, and how much I have overcome, and I am proud of myself.

I’m now a 31-year old woman with two wonderful children, and have the career that I almost always wanted. I say almost because I still want to branch out on my own full-time. I’m healthier than ever, and I am also happier as well. For the first time in my life, I can say that I love all the people around me. There is also no drama in my life. Whenever someone asks me, “Hey, how’s it going?” It isn’t how it was before where I would go and explain all the stressful crap I was dealing with. Now? I just say, “Same ol’, same ol.” It feels amazing to just say that.

One of the things that I always do during the holidays is watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.” The movie shows that if you have your family, friends, and your life, you will always find a way to be alright. It’s something that I finally understood this year.

Another lesson I learned is that I shouldn’t compare myself to other people. Even if someone has something that I want, I shouldn’t envy her, or be sad that I don’t have it, I just have to make more of an effort for myself. Also, be happy for the things that I do have.

Here are my 2010 yearly goals:

http://www.43things.com/2010_resolutions/person/dcfemella

I am not a resolution-type of person. I usually have a five-year plan, and then I break them down to yearly goals, and then those to monthly goals. I made almost all of my 2009 yearly goals, and so I know that this time, I will make all of my 2010 ones.

Well, I shall return next year.

Everyone, have a good one, make some goals, and remember what’s important.

Photo details: Happy New Year 2010 illustration, originally uploaded by FLOP DESIGN.

Yesterday, I ran the Army Ten-Miler, and I am so proud of myself. It was my first race, and I rant the entire ten miles. I didn’t run at the pace that I wanted, and I beat myself up for it. However, I woke up realizing that I am being silly. It’s not how fast or how slow I was going, but that I finished. It’s my competitive spirit that does this, and I sometimes wish that it would quiet down and let me enjoy the moment. Now that I completed the run, I feel that I can do anything.

There are some parts of my life that I am not 100% happy, and I have been putting off thinking about it because I have been so busy with work and the kids. However, I am going to start working on them. I don’t want to wake up at 50 and feeling that I have let life pass me by.

This weekend I am glad that I kept it low key. I thought a lot about my life and the direction that it’s going, and the direction that I want it to go. My dreams are being put on hold for materialistic reasons, and that is something that needs to change. Even if I am wearing a potato sack and eating macaroni-n-cheese every day, I will be happier following the things that I want.

I now know what I need to do, and I am going to do it.

Here are some pics of me running the Army Ten-Miler: http://vida.posterous.com/this-is-how-you-look-after-running-ten-miles

Photo Detail: your mind’s sick again, originally uploaded by megan alice..

I was thinking a lot about my past today.  There were ups and downs, but I don’t regret any of it.  I decided to karaoke my favorite songs from my early twenties that made me get through the tough times.  Isabelle also sang a song that signifies to me that these children are my life.