Posts tagged ‘letting go’

He Let Me Go So I Could Be Happy

17 August, 2009 | dcfemella | Comments
“ I think you are a very special, passionate, lovely woman who has a lot to offer the right person in your life…”

Last night I watched “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” for the first time since I bought the DVD back in May when the movie was released. Even though I wanted to watch it, I couldn’t bring myself to doing it. When I watched this movie at the theater, I cried the entire day. I remember calling my mom and talking about how much it reminded me of my ex, who I had recently broken up with.   I didn’t really understand why it did until I watched it this time around.

They loved each other so much, but he realized he had to let her go (I won’t reveal more than that in case you haven’t seen it).  He knew he had to because all he was going to do was cause her grief and pain.  My eyes weren’t dry for long cause I realized that’s what G. had done for me.  I spent the entire night writing in my diary, crying, and re-reading his letters to me, especially his goodbye letter.  How could I have not realized what he was actually doing?

Right after watching the movie, I checked out PostSecret and saw this postcard that made me wonder if he had sent it.  I talked to my sister in Afghanistan and told her what I finally figured out.  She responded,

“You just realized that?”

Yes, I did.  The pain I felt when he left was so unbearable that it shrouded me from the truth.  I thought he was being selfish and really not thinking about me.  How wrong I was to think that?  One night at 2:00 a.m.,  before the incident that made him doubt if he was good enough for me, he unexpectedly texted me.

“I think I could be completely yours.”

Last night was me letting go of the pain I felt for losing him.  He would have wanted me to find that person he thought he couldn’t be.  A person who is not suffering from depression, pain, and regret, and thought that he didn’t deserve the love I had for him.  This morning I woke up with a smile and a feeling that I will soon find that person who I will be with for the rest of my life.

I remember he once said when we were lying on his couch,

“You would do anything for me. Wouldn’t you?”

“Yes, I would.  You would do anything for me too,” I smiled and nuzzled more into this chest.

He paused and squeezed me.

“Yes, actually I would.”

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, originally uploaded by Fabio Allves.


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Posted in dating, emotion, self | Comments

How Can I Stop My Kids from Growing Up?

16 June, 2009 | dcfemella | Comments

Cupcake Party, originally uploaded by dreamingindc.

Today was Cebastian’s Cupcake Party to say goodbye to his last days of First grade. Tomorrow is Isabelle’s Kindergarten graduation, and she will be heading to Cebastian’s school. I know that before the week is over, I am going to cry knowing that my children are one day not going to be children. They will one day be adults and have their own families and lives.

I have always been overprotective of my children, so I don’t know how I am going to let them go. I wonder if I am going to be the meddling mother who is always trying to tell them what to do, even when they are 50. Eventually, I will have to though and hope that I gave them the skills to be functioning adults. My paranoia with something happening to them is over extreme, so I am not sure how I will do this.

Scary thing happened yesterday that tested this:

I come to my son’s babysitter house, and I see him crying outside her door saying that no one was home. Her kids weren’t on the bus either. I called her and emailed her saying that I will make sure she never watches children again. It’s sad that this woman is a mother and is so inconsiderate. However, my sister says that maybe something happened to her, so I should call the police. I am still debating cause I don’t want to waste the police’s time on checking up on this woman, and finding out she was just being negligent.

This situation stressed me out because all the “what-if” scenarios that ran through my head. Someone could have taken him or he could have gotten hurt. Luckily he did what I always told him and just sit where everyone can watch him and not move.

I think I am overly paranoid and protective of my children, but they are my everything: my companions, my true loves, my happiness, and I can keep going. My life without them would have no meaning.

Cebastian and Isabelle,

I know that one day I will have to let you go, so that is why I am now living in the present and not thinking about the past or future. I want you to know that having you has been the best part of my life. Life before you didn’t exist. I will always love and be proud of you.

Love,

Your Mom

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Posted in children | Comments

Having to Know to Let Go Someday

2 September, 2008 | dcfemella | Comments

Today was the first day of school for both of my children. My son is a first grader, and my daughter is a kindergartener. It was my son’s first day in public school, so he took the bus. I wanted to be strong, but I couldn’t help it. I cried. It hit me for the first time that they are getting older and older, and the day will come when they will not need me as much. It’s really hard because they are my companions and my favorite people in the entire world. My daughter cried when I dropped her off at her class, but I was fine because she is in the same class as my son was in, so I am use to the teacher and the environment.

I wish I could post pictures, but my digital is broken, so used a disposable. I hope that they have a great day, and that they still miss their mommy, somewhat.

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Posted in children | Comments