When I finally feel positive about love and wanting to settle down, something comes up that negates those feelings. I don’t think there is anyone in my family that has a healthy and loving relationship. There is constantly some kind of drama going on where a woman in my family has dealt with another issue with the man she is with. It scares me because I fear that I am going to be one of them. I already had a string of bad relationships, and I think I have become wiser. However, when I talk to my family, I feel like maybe we are all cursed.
I am trying to not let these fears overcome me, but these stories make me feel suffocated and afraid. I feel as though I have been alone for a long time. I can’t complain though. The kids and I have a blast together, and I don’t have to worry about stressing over a bad relationship all the time. Eventually, I will find that person who complements me, and we get along great. Nevertheless, I am not going to settle because I feel lonely. I have living proof that it never works out.
I have a paralyzing fear of bugs. It doesn’t matter how small the bug is, I still can’t move. The fear is so bad that I start crying and screaming if one comes too close to my perimeter. I wonder when this started happening. Was it when a grasshopper fell on my head when I was a little girl living in Panama? Or was it when the cicadas infested DC and one landed on my back? Or was it the crazy amounts of bugs that always seem to want to come near me? All I know is that it’s a fear that I need to overcome because it’s getting to the point of embarrassment.
Two examples:
First: A few weeks ago, I was walking in DC with my friend. A couple, which included a man who looked like he could scare his own mother, was approaching us. When all of a sudden I peered down and saw roaches all over the place. I began screaming and jumping like a crazy woman. The man jumped, scared at me like I was insane, and they crossed the street to get away from me. It was funny that here I was afraid of him when they were coming towards us, but in the end, my insane phobia made him be frightened of me.
Second:Just now, a house centipede started crawling towards my room while he was in the shower. Isabelle and I were paralyzed and couldn’t move. We waited ten minutes until he got out of the shower and had him kill the bug. Cebastian is my protector against all the bugs in the world. One time I was driving, and he said, “Ummm…Mommy?”
“Yes Cebastian?”
“Oh..uh…I’ll wait til you stop the car.”
A few minutes later, we were at my parents’ house. I turn to him.
“What is it?”
“Get out of car first.”
I never heard him sound so serious, so I did what he told me. The next thing I know, he smacks a big bug that was right on top of the driver’s seat. I almost fainted.
What should I do to get over this fear? I am even considering hypnosis because it is debilitating. I just want to be able to realize that the bugs are way smaller and are more afraid of me. I know this, but it doesn’t help when I see one coming over to me. I could swear that their little beady, little eyes are looking at me like “Oh you better not step.”
If you know me, you know that I am deathly afraid of planes. Every time I am about to get on one, I have to calm myself down before I get in it. One friend told me to use Xanax, and I am thinking that I might need it because my heart starts beating twice more than it should. I feel like the guy in “The Twilight Zone” who was afraid of flying and encountered that monster.
The problem is that I love traveling. In January, I went to LA. In April, the family and I are headed to Panama. I also plan on going to Italy this year. I am excited but also deathly afraid. Main reason is the increase of plane crashes going on. It’s getting to be once a week, and I don’t understand why.
I know there are strict rules and regulations, but I can’t help wondering if they are using shoddy materials to decrease cost. The planes that I ride on now are so flimsy and easily affected by turbulence than in the past. I think that I might write a letter to my Congressman about this because I don’t think it’s just a coincendence. There has to be a reason for this new phenomenon going on. Maybe it’s just my phobia getting ahold of me, but I need someone to start investigating this before I get on the plane in April.
I know they say that it’s safer to travel on a plane than a car, but I am starting to doubt that now.
Here is the Twilight Zone episode, if you’ve never seen it:
I never feared death until I had children. My fear is that I will die before they are old enough to be self sufficient. If they had a father who was a good role model, I wouldn’t have such a fear. However, he is lacking in so many ways, and I feel that he will teach nothing but mediocrity. Maybe it’s a crazy fear to have, but I want my kids to have more than I did, and by my death, I don’t think they would.
The wind keeps howling outside, and I’m about to turn the light off. This is one of the only times that I wish that the kids or Haji were in here with me. It sucks that I am afraid of the dark. It’s such a debilitating phobia. I think it might be due to my active imagination, watching too many horror films as a child, and/or that once my parents forgot me in the dark apartment when there was a fire next door. Whatever it is, I hate it.
Now that I think about it, I am way too afraid about too many things: the dark, heights, bugs, and planes.
I hate heights as well. If I am driving over a bridge, I have to grasp the wheel with both hands while clutching my teeth until I am safely on the other side. Even when I am at sporting events, I have to hold my breath if I am in the nosebleed seats, when I stand up.
Bugs have never been my repertoire. I am so glad that I have a son who protects me. He will kill any bug that comes near me. Isabelle also has this crazy fear of insects, so is it hereditary? I think it was one time when my younger sis was watching them. She is afraid of spiders. She freaked out so bad when she found out there was a spider on her seat that she almost crashed me car and scared my daughter to a phobia.
I’m excited to be going to LA for a week and a half in January, but I am also afraid to get on the planes. Planes never scared me until 9/11. I know it sounds silly, but now I am super afraid to get on a plane. It also could be that is when I first saw “Final Destination.” Hmmmm…
How do I get rid of these fears? I don’t know. I sometimes think that I should find a Hypnotist to see if he/she can hypnotize me to not fear these things. The only thing to fear is fear itself, and I need to find a way to deal with these fears.
