I remember a very wise guy friend once told me that women attempt to be friends with their exes right away when they were the ones to do the breaking because they feel a type of guilt.  On the other hand, men try to stay as far away as possible when they were the initiators.  From this past experience, I am done trying to befriend my exes way too early.  There is still tons of resentment, hurt, and pain.  How can you let go of these feelings if you are still talking every day?

After L.’s constant insults, guilt trips, and attempts to make my life look pale in comparison, I can’t do it anymore.  Now I get a text from L saying that someone has been calling with death threats.  Guess who was the first person to be accused?  Me? L. was super psychotic throughout our entire relationship, but I am the one that would do something like that?  It isn’t her crazy, lunatic ex who kept calling her last week.  No, it’s me has to be forced to speak. 

I texted back, “F* you for thinking I would do something like that,” and have ignored the rest of the texts.

Drama that ensues when L. is in my life is gone, and I don’t intend to bring it back.

I’m so in love that I can’t think about anything else, but that feeling. It’s exhilarating feeling that you almost have everything you’ve always wanted: the man of my dreams, my children, great career, amazing health, wonderful friends, and happy. I haven’t been happy for a very long time, so I am feeling kind of weird about it. It feels too good to be true, and I’m afraid that in an instant, I am going to lose it all. Happiness is a feeling that everyone covets, and I finally have it.

My past relationship wasn’t the best. The person was constantly cheating, lying, BREAKING MY SHIT, and a drama starter. My drama-free life was all of a sudden consumed with it when I was with this person. I feel bad because after Eric, I vowed never to allow myself to get into a horrible relationship where there was a lack of respect and honesty. Lo and behold, I was in one again.  Everyone who met this person told me there was something wanting in this person’s eyes. I still care for this person, but I know it’s for the best.

G. has always been my sanity throughout all of it. He would listen to me and give me the best advice.  Every time we stopped speaking, I felt sad and lost. I secretly cried because I didn’t have him in my life.  The last time we stopped speaking, I became a total hermit because I didn’t care about anything, but the kids.  I tried to start dating a few times, but they never compared to him.  Now, I have him completely in my life. Even if we don’t last as a couple, I know we will last as friends.

He told me that whenever I smile at him, he feels like he loses all reason.  He said that he smiles more when I’m around.  Also, that he wants to be with me the rest of our lives.  We are planning a trip in January, so I am excited for that.  I wanted to go skydiving this month, but he wants to wait til the weather gets better cause he knows I hate the cold.   I wanted to because I want to get rid of my fear of heights, and also I want to do it so I can feel like I finally have wings.

I’ve always felt like Marianne in “Sense and Sensibility” with Willoughby. I now feel like Marianne and Willoughby have been given a second chance through us.  This video is Marianne reciting Shakespeare Sonnet 116.  It describes how ideal love should be.  I use to watch this scene and cry cause I had lost that, but now I found it again.

I have hit the 30-year old mark.  It feels surreal because I don’t feel much different, other than I don’t have the patience to deal with drama.  On Saturday, I went out with the love of my life.  He took me to this fancy restaurant and then a lounge.  It was an amazing night.  The next day, we played Scrabble.  He kicked my butt, and I wasn’t very happy.  I’m not the greatest loser.  I am going to have start practicing with my sister again, so next time, I play with him, it’s on.  

We really love each other, and I can’t believe that he is in my life.  Every day I feel like I’m in a dream.  

On Sunday, my family came over to my parents’ house to celebrate the big 3-0.  Isabelle and my mom made this amazing display with all my pictures from when I was in my mom’s stomach (I mean it) til now.  It was a crazy thing to see how I have changed throughout the years, and all the different trends I have gone through.  

Every minute needs to be enjoyed.  One can’t worry about little things because life will pass you by.

Betrayal is one of the worst feelings to feel. It is right up there with grief, pain, and loss. I honestly feel like my heart has been ripped open. The sad thing is that I allow this person to continuously do this to me over and over again. It feels like I have been crying since I met that person. Here are some of my favorite quotes dealing with betrayal:

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though … betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. – Steven Deitz

Betrayal is the only truth that sticks. – Arthur Miller

Betrayal is about learning not to idealize external sources. – Linda Talley

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal – Tennessee Williams

Trust can take years to build, but only a second to break. - Unknown

And I believe love should be like this Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

I’m a lot like Marianne from “Sense and Sensbility.” Maybe that is my problem.  I need to get over this.  I need to continue to focus on my children and myself.  I was glad I could speak to my sister today.  She is right.  I am strong, and I will get through this.

I have come to realize that my friend isn’t the type to back me up.  This has happened a few times where I got in a confrontation, usually do to her, and she shies away.  I am so frustrated right now.  The drama of my upstairs neighbor.

After getting back from my parents’ house on 4th of July, I arrive to see a note taped to my door.  It was from the upstairs neighbor who wanted to inform me that I had left the bathroom fan on all day, and that it was a fire hazard.  The note, being a writer, I could detect the hints of malice in between the lines.  Did this woman introduce herself to me?  No.  Did she come down the next day to introduce herself after the spiteful note?  No.  I left it at that.

The whole while I have been hearing tons of movement upstairs.  It’s nonstop.  I can sense that they have hardwood floors because I hear every creak made.  Even in the middle of the night, there are thumps, like now.  Today I was fed up.  The kids were sleeping, and I had a horrible migraine.  My friend L. tells me to go upstairs and tell them to keep it down.  I was kind of reluctant because I know how I can get when I am in a horrible mood, so I could not handle any retaliation. L. kept pushing and pushing, so I finally went upstairs.

The son answered.  Here I am in my pajamas, and this fool has the nerve to think I am the nurse.  After clearing that up, I let him know very nicely that I could hear everything downstairs, so if they could be mindful of it.  He seemed kind of annoyed but pretended he was ok with it.  I come downstairs and am talking to Laura, when there is a knock on the door.  L. disappeared in a flash.  Her excuse? She had to go to the bathroom. I open the door, and this woman begins implying that I am lying.

“I’m sorry but I can hear everything that you do upstairs.”

She replies, “I have been living here for 15 years and no one has ever complained.

I get fed up.  ”My friend is here and she hears everything as well, so you will know that I am not the only one hearing this.”

“L.! L.!” No response.  

I have to repeat her name a few times, and she finally emerges slowly.  On top of that, she doesn’t even come to the door.  She remains in the hallway.

“L, can you hear the noise coming from upstairs?”

“Yes,” she says quiet as a mouse.  

I am shocked and appalled.  She was the one that had the idea of me going up there, and now she is not trying to get involved.

“You have the nerve to write me a note about the fan in my bathroom, do not introduce yourself whatsoever, and now you are upset cause I can hear everything you do upstairs?”

That stunned her for a second, but it didn’t stop her from talking.

After exchanging heated word with this rude lady, I close the door.

I’m pissed because I have to deal with such a neighbor, in my first home.  Also, L’s lack of backing me up.   Now I am analyzing everything and realizing that she always does that.  There was one time that this guy came up to her and then got miffed at me because I abruptly said hi, and didn’t really pay attention to him and kept talking. We started arguing, and she stayed mute as a mouse.  Even when I asked her what she thought of this rudeness, I had to keep pressing her for her to say anything.  It’s always like that.  Honestly, I do not want to be around someone who doesn’t have the guts to have my back.  If it were another friend with me, she would have backed everything that I said.

I told Laura about that, and she said I was just trying to take out my frustrations out on her.  Please, it was cause of her lack of action.

I don’t know who I am angrier with: the old lady or L.

Warning: There are probably tons of grammatical errors.  It’s late and I am angry.