I am the shyest person you will ever meet. If I think a guy is cute, and I’m interested, I can’t even look him in the eyes. I divert my attention when I notice him looking back, and I can’t help but turn a crimson red. I sometimes wish that I was like some of my friends who can look the guy in the eyes and flash a flirty smile. Now, I am here having a huge crush on my contractor, and I am freaking out because I know that he won’t ask me out because I’m his client. It is up to me to do the asking.

Being the huge nerd that I am, the first thing I did was run a google search on “How to ask a guy out” and “What do guys think of women who do the asking.” It seems like men don’t usually frown upon it nowadays, so there is nothing hindering me from doing it. I asked a couple of friends, and they said, “Girl, go for it.” The problem is that being that I am immensely shy, can I really do it? I am trying to smile at him more and look him in the eyes. However, I think the giggling is getting a bit much, but I can’t help myself.

One thing that is true is that the worst he can say is no. It will suck to hear that, but I’m not going to combust into flames, so does it really matter? No, it doesn’t. Therefore, I am going to do it. For the first time in my life, I am going to ask a guy out. I am going to do one thing though….wait til he finishes the job.

Photo Credit: Somewhere over the Rainbow, originally uploaded by neloqua.

Being a woman is hard. You have to juggle so many hats that it leaves you dizzy. I am currently trying to launch my freelance writing career full-time, and by the time I am in bed, I am exhausted. With school-aged kids who are in different activities, being a single mother, having a full-time job, having family obligations, and dating, I have realized that I am stretching myself thin. Therefore, I have realized that I have to give up one thin – Dating.

I haven’t been very successful with it, and I feel that the majority of the time it’s a waste of time. In order for my dreams of being my own boss on a full-time basis to be realized, I have to let go of my quest to find love. In my career, things are starting to be heading in the right direction, and I have to place all of my energy there.

I know that to have a fulfilling, happy life, you have to find a balance. In the future, I plan on trying to find someone who wants the same things as me, and we get along great. Maybe, it’s also a little sense of disappointment in how things have played out this year for me. I feel like I was trying to force something that was not meant to happen.

My sister did create an Eharmony account for me because she said that it was time for me to find someone. After being harassed, I told her that I would try, but I wasn’t going to actively do it. If it happens, it happens.

I was watching this documentary about singles, and in one of the segments, they discussed women. It showed different experts and singles talking about how it seems that women still have to choose between having a successful career and having a family. One of the things they also talked about was that when a woman did have success in her career, she had a harder time finding a mate than a woman who had not achieved as much as she has.

I wonder why that is. Is it because they don’t have time to date, so they are able to focus more of their energy in their careers? Or is it true that men are scared off by successful women? I think it’s a combination of the two.

All I know is that right now I can’t think about finding a counterpart anymore. It is wasted time and energy that could have been used for something else.

It seems as though lately everyone wants to remind me that I’m still single. They act like being 31 and single is a horrible thing, and so they are constantly bringing up my relationship status. It started around 30. People would look at me with sympathetic eyes and feel sorry for the single mother who couldn’t find a decent guy. I remember going to a party with my parents, and all of their friends were asking me the same questions.

“Are you married?”

“You don’t have a boyfriend?”

“You better start dating before the train leaves you behind.”

I wanted to run out of there as fast as possible, and I could see that my mother was getting annoyed as well. Later on she would say, “Shevonne, you’re happy, so that’s all that matters.”

There is a saying in Panama that goes “Es mejor esta sola que mala acompanada.” Translation is “it’s better to be single than be in bad company.”

So what if I’m single? I already did the whole bad relationship fiasco because I thought it was better to be with someone. Let me say this. You feel more alone when you are constantly battling with someone, who isn’t putting into the relationship as much as you are. I constantly felt as though I was in a dark, wet cave drowning in my tears.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again. It’s hard to date in a metropolitan area. People seem to have more of a selfish, ADHD personality. They don’t seem to want to invest the time and effort needed to have a good relationship. Add the White Rabbit mentality that runs rampant here. “I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.” It’s usually work. All people seem to do here is work. One great example is when I was doing eHarmony. A guy closed the match because he lived in DC and I lived in VA, and the distance was too far. I laughed. I only live 20-30 minutes from DC, depending on the location. It’s even harder for me than other single women because I have children.

I wish that I could just tell people to leave me alone about it. I’m happy being single. Yes, there are times that I feel a bout of loneliness and wish that I had someone enjoying life with me. However, I’m not going to push it.

For now, I will enjoy having a crush. I sometimes prefer having a crush than actually dating someone. You feel like a school-aged girl creating this entire life with someone you barely know. There are no complications or worries that he won’t like you because he doesn’t even know you are crushing on him. You smile because you are his secret admirer, and he has no clue. A crush is great, and everyone should have one.

People, leave me alone about being single. I’m super happy right now.  I have my family, including my children.  They drive me insane sometimes, but I have my companions.  I’m lucky to have found such wonderful friend who are constantly doing awesome stuff, and I get to reap the rewards. I love how passionate I am about many things, and I have met some wonderful people while doing them.  Who knows? I might end up alone.  Maybe I will find a guy who thinks I am as awesome as I think I am. In other words, let it rest.

Photo Detail: red shoe diary, originally uploaded by The_bosshog.

When it comes to love, some people are idealistic, and others are realistic. I remember a conversation I had with my ex two years ago.

“You are too idealistic,” he said to me.

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“It’s going to break you one day.”

“What?”

“You need to realize that you have to think realistically about relationships and realize that you are going to have to eventually settle. You can’t live life in this rosy-glass way that you seem to live.”

For the first time, I was speechless. Why couldn’t I be idealistic about love? I’m very similar to Marianne from “Sense and Sensibility” and Clementine from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Side note: Funny that Kate Winslet played them both. They are my favorite characters and it was due to this passion and innocence that they had. It’s one of the reasons people love me, including him, so why is it a bad thing?

In Sense and Sensibility,” Colonel Brandon says it perfectly, “I knew a lady very like your sister – the same impulsive sweetness of temper – who was forced into, as you put it, a better acquaintance with the world. The result was only ruination and despair. Do not desire it, Miss Dashwood.”

I dealt with that ruination and despair last year, and I picked up the pieces and are happier than ever. I decided to go the realistic route, but all it did was cause me to become mean and bitter. In the end, I decided that isn’t for me. I love that I still have this innocent view about the world, and I don’t care if I remain alone due to that. I’m not going to change myself.

Attraction Principle # 29, originally uploaded by agent lover.

I don’t understand why we tend to always want the people who don’t treat us the way we should be treated.  My theory is that everyone wants a challenge.  They want to be the one who eventually “changes” the person.  I don’t know what it is, but I think it’s something that we need to stop.  There are plenty of nice people out there, but we never give them a chance.  Instead, we waste our time on people who will never do anything for us but give us a broken heart.