It’s hard being my children’s mother and father. I am the only one there to take them to school, tuck them in at night, and drive them around to all of their events. People think that I always have to be in control. However, if they were in my shoes, they would understand. You don’t have anyone to help you make decisions when you are raising kids on your own, and those decisions affects their lives.

Today I almost had a nervous breakdown because I tried delegating some of my responsibility, and it backfired on me. I know that this doesn’t mean that I can’t delegate to reliable people in the future, but it will be harder for me to now. I actually burst out in tears because I was tired of the lack of help, especially from the person who should be helping me the most.

However, when I talk to the kids, I know that all I must be doing something right. I was in the car with Isabelle. She said, “Mommy, a little girl hit me.”

I said, “What? When?”

“This weekend, and daddy didn’t do anything.”

“How did you feel?” I look in the rearview mirror.

“Sad and mad.”

“Why mad?”

“He should have said something. I know if you were there, you would have told her not to hit me.”

It made me smile that my children see me as their protector. It’s something that I never felt growing up, so I’m glad that my children look at me differently.

I asked my son why didn’t he do his homework this weekend. He responded, “Because I was waiting to do it with you.”

“Why?”

“I know you really help me.”

I realize that I know that it’s hard raising two kids on my own. I sometimes want to tear my hair out because I have conflicting events, disciplining them alone, and have to split my attention between them. But, when I see how much my kids cuddle with me, trust that I will help or protect them, and look at me with awe, then I know that it’s all worth it.

Every morning, there are little feet that titter tatter to my room and jumps in my bed. It usually happens when I am heavily asleep, so I don’t notice until I get up and see a bunch of brown curls next to me. A little girl is attached to this pool of curls sleeping away. Sometimes she is joined by a boy with way too much hair who is sleeping on my other side.

Since Cebastian was born, he has slept with me. I would stay up for hours staring away at the little person who had come from me. Then it was followed by Isabelle, who I stared at for hours as well. Since then, I’ve tried to get them to sleep in their room. Cebastian usually does, but Isabelle still sneaks in. To curb this a bit, I’ve tried to allow them to only sleep with me on the weekends, but that they have to stay in their rooms during the week. It hasn’t worked with Isabelle.

Secretly, I love that the kids still want to sleep with me. I feel warm, protected, and happy. My family says that I need to stop this behavior because what if I find someone? I honestly am at the point that I don’t think I will find someone, so does it matter if they still sleep with me? Logically I know that I shouldn’t allow this, so I need to do something about it.

I know that I should return them to their rooms when they come to my room. The only problem is that I don’t notice until it’s morning and time to wake up. I do need to talk to Isabelle, and make her understand that she needs to stay in her room. But, how I do that when I love that she doesn’t?

Halloween is one of our favorite times of the year. It has two of my favorite passtimes: dressing up and candy. My mother has always been obsessed with it, and passed this obsession to my sisters and me. It’s something that I have also passed on to my own kids. My birthday is pretty close to Halloween, so that also helped as well. One of my first birthday parties was a costume party in Panama. This is when Halloween was non-existent there. My parents, who had been in the USA, brought it back with them. The whole neighborhood went to my party. Even now, when we meet someone from the old neighborhood, they still talk about how great the first costume party was that they ever attended.

Luckily, when we came the U.S., we were living in Ft. Belvoir, so it was safe enough for children to go out on their own and everyone celebrated Hallowen. We had a great time hitting all the houses, and actually had to return home to get a new bag cause the first one would fill up quickly.

In my teenage years, I went through the whole “I’m too old to trick-or-treat” phase, but that didn’t last long when I turned 17. I discovered wearing a costume and heading down to Georgetown. You would see all kinds of wonderful costumes, and my younger sister K. and I rediscovered our love for Halloween.

After that, we couldn’t be stopped. We loved it! Here are some of the costumes I’ve worn in the past:

Cebastian, at first, hated costumes.  He would take them off in a second.  It wasn’t until he was three that he realized what happens when you wear a costume.  I had to put on his Spiderman pajamas because he refused to wear one.  When we were trick-or-treating, he realized that iI get candy?  After that, there were no issues.  This year he wants to be a werewolf, so I am glad that we can finally stop being a ninja or Jedi.  

On the other hand, Isabelle never gave me any issues.  She gladly put her costume on.  The only thing is that I can’t leave her side.  She is afraid of any little thing, so if I leave her to go to a door alone (this really means with her brother and cousin), she will scream like someone is attacking her.  Even now, if we go to the Halloween store, she will not enter unless I am holding her hand.  I was shocked that she wanted to be a vampiress this year.  She is definitely taking after her mother.

This year, I have been so busy that I haven’t been able to fully be as excited for Halloween as I usually am because of the workload I’ve been having.  However, now that this project is finally over, I am going to get ready for the festivities.  I still haven’t gotten my costume, so I need to get going on that.  At this point, I’ll choose anything that looks good and not every single woman will have.  Even if I don’t, as long as the kids have a good Halloween, I’ll be happy.

Cebastian got a bigger bike for his birthday. When we tried to ride it in the parking lot, he kept falling off. He had been riding his previous bike with no training wheels, so I don’t understand why he couldn’t do it with this bike. This Trek bike is 24” bike compared to the 20” bike he used to have, so I am not sure if the height has anything to do with it. I am nervous, but I want Isabelle and him to be great bike riders, so they can ride with me. When I did the Tour de Cure, I saw kids who were around 11 riding with their parents, so I hope that will be us one day.

I saw this video on teaching children how to ride a bike, so I hope to have the same success they seem to have.

When I was learning how to ride my bike, my parents did what many other parents did. They held the bike of my bike and let go. I fell the first few times, but then I got the hang out of it. Maybe that will be the best way to go? If anyone has any tips or suggestions, I will gladly accept them.