When I finally feel positive about love and wanting to settle down, something comes up that negates those feelings. I don’t think there is anyone in my family that has a healthy and loving relationship. There is constantly some kind of drama going on where a woman in my family has dealt with another issue with the man she is with. It scares me because I fear that I am going to be one of them. I already had a string of bad relationships, and I think I have become wiser. However, when I talk to my family, I feel like maybe we are all cursed.
I am trying to not let these fears overcome me, but these stories make me feel suffocated and afraid. I feel as though I have been alone for a long time. I can’t complain though. The kids and I have a blast together, and I don’t have to worry about stressing over a bad relationship all the time. Eventually, I will find that person who complements me, and we get along great. Nevertheless, I am not going to settle because I feel lonely. I have living proof that it never works out.
“We could never be in a relationship because you are too strong willed.”
My friend said this out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say. All I could muster was, “Why are we discussing this? We are never going to think of each other in that way.”
He said, “I just said it because I was thinking about it. You would probably rule the relationship.”
I know that this is one of the reasons that I am still single, and it’s sad that being a strong woman scares some guys away. It was the ending of a weekend where I kept thinking about my life and ever being with someone.
Lately I have this feeling that I am going to end up alone. I don’t know why I all of a sudden have been thinking this, but I have. When he said this, I realized that I probably will. I tried explaining to him that I have to be strong because I have two children who depend on me, and I don’t want to let them down. I also said that I was raised this way, and that I am proud of it. I now know that I wasn’t really talking to him, but to myself.
I don’t understand why this is such a turnoff for some guys. Maybe because they think that “you would be in control of the relationship.” Who knows.
Maybe I will find a guy who appreciates strength and will want to go on this journey called life with me. However, I am not going to settle or change my personality for that to happen.
Will a machine ever be invented that will erase memories that people want to get rid of? Or is it something that will stay in the minds of the creators of “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?” I remember watching this movie and thinking that one should never want to erase any part of his/her life. Now I want someone to build that machine, so I can use it on myself.
I’m a person who usually will get back up in an hour and be able to go. I can’t with this. Hope is something that one should never lose, and I have lost it, utterly and completely. It doesn’t matter now. Life goes on, and I just have to accept the way things are. My head hurts, and I feel like I can barely walk without wincing in pain. I can’t eat, smile, or laugh. I don’t think I ever will.
I know that I am getting punished for something. Maybe something I have done in this life or a past life, but I am. I wish I knew what so I could bear this better. All I want is to erase all my memories since 2006. Anything that reminds me: songs, photos, movies, etc. All I know is that all I have left to live for are my children. Nothing more.
If anyone ever builds that machine, I will pay whatever amount to use it. For now, I want to disappear.
The LA trip is getting closer, and I am dying with anticipation. I want to get the hell out of DC and my life for awhile. The only people I am going to miss are my children. I wish that I could take them with me, but I know that if I do, I wont’ have the relaxation that I need. Today was rough. I am super sore from exercising and are still not in the mood to work. Add to that missing people who I have no business missing, and you have my day. I woke up feeling great, and now I am ending the day feeling blah.
I feel lonely when the kids are sleeping or aren’t around. For that split second that Grover was finally mine, I felt complete. Now, I feel alone. I don’t care to be with anyone anymore. I have an online personal ad, and I just delete the messages that I get. I’m lonely, but I want to be alone. Funny, huh? I’ve decided that in 2010, I am going to check the sperm banks. I really want a baby, and I am not going to have anything prevent me from having one.
I’m glad that I am going to see Bridget. We are going to San Diego, Santa Barbara, and doing LA things. I don’t even know how LA girls dressed. I have to ask Bridget because I don’t want to be overly conservative. She says it’s too cold for a bathing suit. =( I guess that is one thing that I won’t be doing. Other than that, who cares. I know she is the person who will lift my spirits. By the time I leave LA, I will feel better. I do know that I am never going to be serious about anyone again. I am officially living solo for the rest of my life. I am probably going to date for fun, but nothing really matters in the love department anymore.
The weekend is here, and I am beyond happy.I have been slaving away at work, and now I want to be able to relax and work on my business.My friend D. wants to keep me company while I am totally depressed about my situation, so I am heading over to her place on Saturday night.I would have done it today, but I want to be alone with Haji while I contemplate on what I am going to do with my life.I have to write down some goals for myself and keep writing so I don’t keep thinking about G.It’s over, and I can’t seem to think about it anymore without tearing up.I guess the only thing that kills me is that he is the cause of everything that happened, but he decides to run away.If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have spoken to L., and I wouldn’t be in the predicament that I was in.D. had her own issues, and her boyfriend stuck by her, and he didn’t even CAUSE IT! G. totally abandons me. It proves that he didn’t love me enough.It seems to be the trend with him. Never enough.
I’m 30 and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m going to remain alone.I think in the 30 years of life, I’ve only had one relationship where I felt like I had a companion.It’s funny but once I went to a Palm Reader (keep your chuckles to yourselves), and she basically told me that I would never be with anyone.
I’m fine with it.I just want to have two more children.I already told my mom that if I am not married by 33, I am going to get artificially inseminated.She freaked because she is totally afraid that I will be 100% lesbian.Whatever, I really don’t seem to care what people think about me at this point.I just want to find some form of happiness.It’s something that I haven’t been able to attain for such a long time.
Totally off topic, but I am sick and tired of my office neighbor passing gas like it’s going out of style. How much gas can this man pass? It’s disgusting. At least say, “EXCUSE ME!”
I hope that everyone has a lovely weekend and that it’s full of hope, passion, and love.
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