This year, I have been cooking more than I have in years.  For some reason, I had gotten lazy, and so the kids and I had been eating out way too much.  It got to the point that they wouldn’t touch food unless it was made from a restaurant.  Last week, I made this Shepherd’s Pie with potatoes and sweet potatoes. I got it out of this book, Healthy Cooking for Your Kids.  It has great recipes that help you make yummy food that your kids will actually eat.  It worked! My kids couldn’t stop eating it.

After that, I decided that I wanted to create this Coconut Chicken that I saw in my The South Beach Diet book.  It didn’t stop there.  I wanted to continue cooking, so I made two Spinach and Mushroom quiches, one for tomorrow and one for later.  It makes me feel good when I cook.  I am taking different ingredients, and using my hand to create something that others will savor.  It’s something that I love to do.

Cooking and food is a way to bond families. If you talk to people, you will usually get a story about how a certain recipe reminds them of a beautiful memory that they had with their family.  It’s one of the other reasons that I love food so much.  It’s something that I want to pass my love for cooking on to my  kids.  Whenever they have a chance, I have them in the kitchen with me stirring something on the oven (while I supervise, of course).

What food makes you think about family?

If you asked me last year if you thought I was going to be a pretty good runner, I would have laughed at you, and told you that I didn’t have time for jokes.  Now, it’s a different story. I love running.  Yes, at times, it can be a little daunting.  However, after awhile, you can run and run without even thinking twice about it.

Last year, when I went to Panama, I couldn’t even run for a mile.  Kristine was my motivation and moral support.  This is a girl who did marathons all the time, and was always one of the fastest girls in her squandron.  I remember that I allowed my friends to convince me to sign up for the Army Ten Miler.  I would chat with my sister and tell her that I couldn’t do something like that. She told me not to give up, and that before she joined the Air Force, she was a terrible runner.  Like me, she said that she would constantly get cramps because she didn’t know how to breathe properly.  Also, she would get tired after she took two steps.  She said that it took her a couple of months to finally build up her stamina, and not think that running was half bad.

I remember being in Panama and running with her.  She would be running without even heaving, and I couldn’t even speak.  I would tell her to keep running cause I felt bad that I was preventing her from running the way she was accustomed to.  She would stop and smile at me.

“That’s ok Shevonne.  I want to walk with you.”

It was due to her support that I was eventually able to run the Army Ten Miler without stopping.  The first time I ran one mile without stopping, I sent her an email, so excited that I was able to do even that.  She was so ecstatic.  She responded, “I am so happy for you! I knew you could do it.”

When she passed away, I stopped exercising for awhile because it was hard for me to even get out of bed.  Eventually I had to because I had two children to take care of.  I didn’t even want to do the Cherry Blossom Ten Miler that I was doing in April.  However, I knew that Kristine loved that I was running, so I decided to start training.  The first two times I tried running, I could only do a mile.  I finally said to myself, “STOP THIS! If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your sister, who was so proud of you.”

I started running two, three, and now five miles without thinking twice.  Yesterday when I ran five miles, I kept thinking that she was running right next to me, and encouraging me to keep going.  It was the only way that I kept running until I reached my goal.  I felt great afterwards, and I was able to smile, without having to force it, for the first time in over a month. 

I want her to be proud of me in anything that I do.  I hope that she is.

Every month, I use 43Things to update my monthly goals, so I can achieve my yearly ones. I had to revise them a tad bit after my sister passed away. This is something that I learned to do after reading tons of goal setting and time management books. You have to break down bigger goals into smaller chunks. It makes them manageable, and attaches deadlines to them.

What are some of the goals you have for yourself this March?

Awhile ago, I spoke about how my daughter Isabelle was not doing very well in school.  I’ve tried everything that you can think of: flash cards, workbooks, extra time reading, doing extra homework, etc., and I still see that she is behind.  When we read a word, and we see it in the next sentence, she freezes and doesn’t remember what it is.  It became more apparent when we started the Odyssey of the Mind team meetings.  Two boys on the team are both in first grade, and they are reading on a higher level than her.  I started to worry.  I finally knew that it was time to act when she got her second report card, and had a lot of Needs Improvements.  I spoke to my family about it, and my sister said that she went to the Sylvan Learning Center when my nephew was having issues with reading.  I made an appointment that day.

We went to the assessment this past Saturday, and went yesterday for the results. As I expected, she was found to be reading lower than her expected reading level. They said that she had no issues with reading comprehension, but that her reading needed to catch up. Therefore, I worked with them to tailor a program, so that by the time first grade is over, she will be ready for second grade.

It is a little expensive, but when I read how much private tutors are, I realized it was comparable to hiring someone who would come to my house. Also, detecting and fixing the problem early will be better than waiting til she is in sixth grade, and reading at a third-grade level. I was a girl once, and I know how hard it can be. If I can make it easier for her, then I will do anything I can.

That’s the thing about being a parent. You want your children to have it better than you did, and it doesn’t how much it’s going to cost. It is especially hard when you are living in an area where everything is so competitive. Parents shuffle their kids to 3-4 extracurricular activities, while holding full-time jobs. The kids are expected to be the best, and their schoolmates even pay attention to their progress. Money isn’t a problem, so the parents spend whatever it takes, so their kids have a higher chance of success later on in life. It’s something that my ex doesn’t understand because he has never really been a father.

Even though people tell me what is the point of keeping him abreast of what is going on with the kids, I still try. I am hoping that one day he will wake up, and be the father that the children need (and want). I called to see if he would contribute to her tutoring. He said that I need to try and work with her more with workbooks and flash cards, and that is too much money to spend. The old me would have started ranting and yelling. I would have told him that it’s easy for him, who barely sees the children, to tell me to help her more at home because he doesn’t have to do it himself. I would have continued on saying that he can go on all these trips and events with his friends, but as always, when it comes to his kids, he starts coming up with a 1,000 excuses why there is no point to pay the money. It’s easy for someone who has barely paid for a birthday party, their extracurricular activities, or anything extra for the kids to tell me what needs to be done.

The older and “wiser” me just said that it’s fine if he doesn’t want to pitch in, and that I will deal with the tutoring expenses on my own. I left it at that. It felt good not to start this tug-of-war with him on something that he will never get. My family is right. When the kids get older, they will realize how much their mother has done for them, while their father hasn’t contributed to much of anything. I am glad that I am getting her this help. I already see how sad she got when Cebastian was jumping with joy on getting all these Oustandings and Goods on his report card, while she only got Satisfactory and Needs Improvement. By the time second grade starts, Isabelle will be reading way beyond her reading level, and she will not feel as though she is nothing less than what she is really is. A super smart kid.

It’s hard being my children’s mother and father. I am the only one there to take them to school, tuck them in at night, and drive them around to all of their events. People think that I always have to be in control. However, if they were in my shoes, they would understand. You don’t have anyone to help you make decisions when you are raising kids on your own, and those decisions affects their lives.

Today I almost had a nervous breakdown because I tried delegating some of my responsibility, and it backfired on me. I know that this doesn’t mean that I can’t delegate to reliable people in the future, but it will be harder for me to now. I actually burst out in tears because I was tired of the lack of help, especially from the person who should be helping me the most.

However, when I talk to the kids, I know that all I must be doing something right. I was in the car with Isabelle. She said, “Mommy, a little girl hit me.”

I said, “What? When?”

“This weekend, and daddy didn’t do anything.”

“How did you feel?” I look in the rearview mirror.

“Sad and mad.”

“Why mad?”

“He should have said something. I know if you were there, you would have told her not to hit me.”

It made me smile that my children see me as their protector. It’s something that I never felt growing up, so I’m glad that my children look at me differently.

I asked my son why didn’t he do his homework this weekend. He responded, “Because I was waiting to do it with you.”

“Why?”

“I know you really help me.”

I realize that I know that it’s hard raising two kids on my own. I sometimes want to tear my hair out because I have conflicting events, disciplining them alone, and have to split my attention between them. But, when I see how much my kids cuddle with me, trust that I will help or protect them, and look at me with awe, then I know that it’s all worth it.