Some people are afraid to do the right thing because they fear that it will cause others to turn their backs on them. I realized that after my sister passed away that I needed to listen to my intuition more, and do what I felt was the right thing to do, even if wasn’t going to make me the most popular person. There are some past situations that I wished I would have voiced my disapproval because maybe things would have turned out better than they did.

I know that this time, I will do the right thing.  I’m at the point that I don’t really care what others think or say about me, so why not do it?

There are five minutes here or there where I feel happy and free.  The feeling of pain and sadness subsides, and I feel like my self again. The majority of my day is filled with this torturous unhappiness that doesn’t want to go away. It’s been almost eight months. I don’t care to celebrate holidays or birthdays.  It took all I had to even have a party for Isabelle, and I felt such guilt over that. My favorite holidays are coming, and I don’t seem to care or want to enjoy them. Those were also Kristine’s favorite, and we loved sharing the love for them together. Lately I have been making an effort to go out. It usually feels like a chore. The entire time I want to be in bed thinking about my sister.

I read in a book that the whole family dynamic change is really traumatic cause you no longer know where you fit. Before, I knew (and was proud) of the fact that I was the middle sister. Now, I don’t exactly feel like the middle sister anymore, but I don’t feel like the younger one either. I feel displaced. I don’t feel like myself anymore, and I hate that feeling. I look at my pictures, now and then, and I can tell that my smile has changed. It’s in the eyes. Before, I smiled so easily, but now, I have to force one in front of the cameras.

For almost a week, I hadn’t exercised. I could feel my heart pulsating, and I was getting increasingly irritable. I realized that I am exercising like a fiend because it kills the pain that I feel inside. The endorphins swallow up my grief, and I don’t feel the urge to cry all the time.  I don’t know what was happening this week, but something was keeping me from exercising.

• Monday: My son was in a stubborn state and didn’t want to budge.
• Tuesday: It took two hours to get the oil changed at the dealership (I’m kind of sick of this happening), so I missed any attempt to exercise.
• Wednesday: My morning class didn’t happen cause they were having electrical problems.  Then, my mom took forever to cook, so I didn’t get to go to my evening class.

By Wednesday evening, I was uncontrollably crying, angry, and irrational. The realization hit that I needed that feeling I get after I exercise. You feel like you have been doing hours of yoga, and you are relaxed to the point that you are kind of numb. I am able to go through life without crying over any little thing.

This morning I woke up super early (for me) and went to the gym for an hour and a half. It felt so great to release all that grief I had inside. I know that I will never be the same. I lost the person who I loved more than anyone, other than my children. The person I shared everything with, and we knew one another to each other’s core. I am thankful for my children. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t feel the urge to even care to get out of bed.

For now, to keep my emotions in check, exercising is my aeroplane.

Open mouth

I have been cursing since I was in 5th grade, which is something that I am not proud of. I remember back then I thought I was the coolest girl ever because I was “adult” enough to use swear words.  It got worse the older I got, and I noticed that I would scare sailors away if they heard me talking.  Every other word out of my mouth was a swear word.  Cursing is a nasty habit that I am trying to break free from.

I will admit that I have gotten better at it.  Ever since I had kids, I haven’t been cursing as much.  If I want to say something, I usually abbreviate it like “MotherfER” or I will spell it out.  However, they are getting older now, so that is not going to work pretty soon, so I really need to learn to just stop.

It gets worse when someone really upsets me. I will curse in my head all the things that I can’t say out loud. It is a bad habit, and I need to find a way to express my anger without resorting to all the curse words that come to mind. Maybe I can turn like Flanders on “The Simpsons” and use silly words in leu of swear words.

I sometimes lose the ability to sleep.  It happens two or three times a year where I am only sleeping about four hours a night.  Then, all of a sudden, I start sleeping again.  This time it’s worse.  Reason? It’s due to external forces why I’m not sleeping. Hagi, my cat, is the culprit. 

I don’t know what is wrong with this cat lately, but he is getting more and more wild in the wee hours of night when he should be sleeping himself. During the day, I see him lounging on the couch, bed, or in a hidden area. Does he not realize that his internal clock is backwards?  There are times that I wake up because he keeps walking on me, jumping on/off the bed, or meowing.  The meowing is the worst.  Even if he is not hungry, he will start making a raucous around five in the morning.  My deep sleep turns into a waking somber. The next day I wake up groggy, and my entire body is tired.

You’re probably wondering why I don’t close the door and keep him out of my room.  Well, Mr. Hagi has taken it upon himself that whenever I do that, he starts scratching and complaining on the other side.  It gets so loud that it’s worse than having him in the bedroom. 

All I know is that something’s gotta give because I am too busy right now to be functioning on no sleep.  Also, Shevonne and no sleep do not mix.  I become irritable, snap at everyone, and I can’t bring myself to smile.

Any remedies to alleviate this cat harassing me at night?

If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You by Kelly Cutrone

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
I have always been a fan of “The Hills,” and then Whitney Port’s spinoff “The City.” One of the characters who I loved the most was Kelly Cutrone. Her tell-it-like-it-is attitude and being a smart business woman was two of the things that I loved about her the most. It even made me love her even more when I started watching her Bravo show “Kell on Earth,” and I found out that she was a single mother. Being a single mother who has her own business, I knew that this was a book that had to be on my must-read list. Yesterday, while waiting for Isabelle, who was doing her tutoring session, Cebastian and I went to the bookstore. I saw her book, and I picked it up.

It is a very easy read, and I read it that night. Cutrone talks about her venture to New York City and her journey to becoming the powerhouse that she is today. It was interesting to know that even she had her dark moments and was able to crawl out of them to become more enlightened and amazing than she was before. I realized that powerful women are not born that way, and you always have to fight to have the things and people that make you happy. Her book made me realize that you always have to remain positive, and when negative thoughts enter your head, it’s your job to make them go away. One technique that I am going to use is when a negative thought like “I can’t do this” pops up, I am going to go through every worst-case scenario because it’s like Cutrone said, you usually realize that you will still be ok.

I will bring up the negative now because the other positive I got from the book is a big one. One thing that I hoped for was more tips and lessons that she could give the readers. However, she mainly talked about her Goddess, and I was left thinking, “Ok, so what are you trying to teach me?” I felt like the majority was about finding your own religion. Maybe for someone else this will enlighten him/her. However, for me, who has already read and researched many religions and has created her own thoughts on religion, I kept wanting more.

The second positive is a big one, like I said before. One thing that Cutrone said that resonated through me is you really have to sit down and think about what you really want; not what you were raised to think you want. I realized that since I was little, I’ve always wanted to be my own person, have children, and be successful in my business ventures. However, I never really cared about having anyone by my side. Even when I would play different stories with my sister and friends, marriage was not in the equation. I had someone I loved, but it never worked out in the end. When the kids were babies, while my older sister and mom were pushing me to marry their father, I never wanted to. I would tell them that I didn’t believe marriage was for me. Slowly, I wanted to get married, but I realize now it’s due to the pressures around me. Having this whole “perfect family” life with the white-picked fence is not my dream.

My dreams are for the kids and me to travel all over the world. Learn about life, enjoy spending time together, and just having a blast exploring the mysteries of the world. It’s  the life lesson from this book that I am thankful for.

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