Finding the right person who is perfect for you is a feat. You have to date tons of “wrong” people, which can be stressful and draining.  Believe me, I have dated a bunch of them, and I am someone who really hates dating. There were times that I was ready to give up because I couldn’t take another date that was not going anywhere.  I actually did.  I decided that it was time that I cut my losses, and I just remain happily single. This was until one of my dear friends T. sent out an email on how to increase the chances of finding someone.  If you want to read it, click here.

It really made me start thinking that maybe I shouldn’t give up. I decided to get back in the dating scene again after talking to my other great friend D.  She said not to give up and to give it one last chance, so I did. I joined Match.com to see who was out there. In the past, I tried EHarmony after T. found her fiancée on there, but it didn’t work.  I always felt that Match was more for people who just wanted to casually date and didn’t have any children. However, I really wasn’t going to try EHarmony again, and I was seeing all these ads for Match, so I decided that maybe the stars were trying to tell me something. I am glad that I was wrong about Match. There was a greater selection of guys who seemed genuine, and I didn’t feel out of place because I’m a single mother. I went on dates with a few guys hoping to find the right guy.

I know the traits a guy has to have to be perfect for me:

• Good-natured
• Total geek
• Dry humor
• Adventurous
• Similar interests
• Movie guru
• Adores me
• Emotionally stable
• Honest
• I don’t cringe when he touches me
• We can talk for hours on the phone
• I can think about him for hours on end

I will have to say that I think I found someone who seems to fit the bill.  All I can do is be hopeful and optimistic.

Some people are afraid to do the right thing because they fear that it will cause others to turn their backs on them. I realized that after my sister passed away that I needed to listen to my intuition more, and do what I felt was the right thing to do, even if wasn’t going to make me the most popular person. There are some past situations that I wished I would have voiced my disapproval because maybe things would have turned out better than they did.

I know that this time, I will do the right thing.  I’m at the point that I don’t really care what others think or say about me, so why not do it?

One of the jobs that a parent has to fulfill is making your kids feel like they are the most special people in your life. You want them to feel that if someone wrongs them, you will be there to fight for them. They should know that you are with them every step of the way.

It’s something I try to do. My kids know that I am there for them, and that no one is as important in my life as they are. It’s something that my parents never made my sisters and I feel. Since we were small, we have felt that it was us vs. the world. If someone bashed us, our parents would look the other way. If they compared us to someone else, it was usually that we didn’t compare.  We never felt protected or truly loved by them.

I don’t want that for my children.  I don’t want their self-esteem to be affected because they think I don’t love them the way a parent should. I don’t want them looking at other parents with a look of wanting cause they see the difference on how they are with their kids. Or feeling less cause all I can talk about is how awful they are and constantly putting them down with other people. Or treating us like enemies when they are fighting, and only becoming united when they were angry at us.

Nope, my kids will never feel that way. I won’t allow them to feel the way that my sisters and I have felt my entire life.

Posted from WordPress for Android

I took the kids to the National Zoo yesterday. We had a blast going around and seeing all the animals. Here is a video that is a compilation of all the animals we saw.

There are five minutes here or there where I feel happy and free.  The feeling of pain and sadness subsides, and I feel like my self again. The majority of my day is filled with this torturous unhappiness that doesn’t want to go away. It’s been almost eight months. I don’t care to celebrate holidays or birthdays.  It took all I had to even have a party for Isabelle, and I felt such guilt over that. My favorite holidays are coming, and I don’t seem to care or want to enjoy them. Those were also Kristine’s favorite, and we loved sharing the love for them together. Lately I have been making an effort to go out. It usually feels like a chore. The entire time I want to be in bed thinking about my sister.

I read in a book that the whole family dynamic change is really traumatic cause you no longer know where you fit. Before, I knew (and was proud) of the fact that I was the middle sister. Now, I don’t exactly feel like the middle sister anymore, but I don’t feel like the younger one either. I feel displaced. I don’t feel like myself anymore, and I hate that feeling. I look at my pictures, now and then, and I can tell that my smile has changed. It’s in the eyes. Before, I smiled so easily, but now, I have to force one in front of the cameras.

For almost a week, I hadn’t exercised. I could feel my heart pulsating, and I was getting increasingly irritable. I realized that I am exercising like a fiend because it kills the pain that I feel inside. The endorphins swallow up my grief, and I don’t feel the urge to cry all the time.  I don’t know what was happening this week, but something was keeping me from exercising.

• Monday: My son was in a stubborn state and didn’t want to budge.
• Tuesday: It took two hours to get the oil changed at the dealership (I’m kind of sick of this happening), so I missed any attempt to exercise.
• Wednesday: My morning class didn’t happen cause they were having electrical problems.  Then, my mom took forever to cook, so I didn’t get to go to my evening class.

By Wednesday evening, I was uncontrollably crying, angry, and irrational. The realization hit that I needed that feeling I get after I exercise. You feel like you have been doing hours of yoga, and you are relaxed to the point that you are kind of numb. I am able to go through life without crying over any little thing.

This morning I woke up super early (for me) and went to the gym for an hour and a half. It felt so great to release all that grief I had inside. I know that I will never be the same. I lost the person who I loved more than anyone, other than my children. The person I shared everything with, and we knew one another to each other’s core. I am thankful for my children. If I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t feel the urge to even care to get out of bed.

For now, to keep my emotions in check, exercising is my aeroplane.