Why Does a Strong Woman Scare Some Men Away?
Posted by dcfemella | Posted in dating, romance, self | Posted on 13-07-2009
View Comments
Awesome Animae, originally uploaded by grimlok2k6.
“We could never be in a relationship because you are too strong willed.”
My friend said this out of the blue. I didn’t know what to say. All I could muster was, “Why are we discussing this? We are never going to think of each other in that way.”
He said, “I just said it because I was thinking about it. You would probably rule the relationship.”
I know that this is one of the reasons that I am still single, and it’s sad that being a strong woman scares some guys away. It was the ending of a weekend where I kept thinking about my life and ever being with someone.
Lately I have this feeling that I am going to end up alone. I don’t know why I all of a sudden have been thinking this, but I have. When he said this, I realized that I probably will. I tried explaining to him that I have to be strong because I have two children who depend on me, and I don’t want to let them down. I also said that I was raised this way, and that I am proud of it. I now know that I wasn’t really talking to him, but to myself.
I don’t understand why this is such a turnoff for some guys. Maybe because they think that “you would be in control of the relationship.” Who knows.
Maybe I will find a guy who appreciates strength and will want to go on this journey called life with me. However, I am not going to settle or change my personality for that to happen.
Some (weak and insecure in their own skins) men, that is. There are some perfectly smart, rational and grounded men out there too.
I hope so. Thanks
Shevonne – I have considered this myself and also don't know what the resolution is. I don't see my being strong and independent as a flaw either, but it certainly has been a problem for some guys who just don't seem to want a partner. In the end, though, aren't we better off being independent and strong and able to fend for ourselves, rather than always feeling inadequate and waiting for someone else to make us feel whole? I believe that we will eventually get what we put out into the universe. Project strong, independent, loving, supportive and that's what we'll get back.
Well, you should not change, and you should not settle for “less.” Because in the end, you'd be very unhappy in the long run if you had to “dial down” your strong will just to accommodate a weaker partner — you would not be you. And yes, there are men who are secure enough to be with strong-willed women
Good for you! Find a man who matches your strength and then be partners in the journey!
“Strong woman” might be a euphemism for something else. Being “strong” is a good quality. However, a friend is going to hesitate describing you in a negative way. I don't know you, but maybe he's talking about something more detailed that needs changing.
Relationships are about compromise. Certain types of “strong” women are unwilling to compromise.
Danielle, you're right. I have been on dates where a guy sees my outer appearance, and he just talks and talks, and when I open my mouth, he looks perplexed, and then I never hear from him again. Or if he realizes that I make more money than he does, or if he is renting his place, and he realizes that I own, au revoir. I have my friends and activities, so I don't mind being single right now. =D
Do you think it's cause you are Swedish, and your women are strong individuals?
Thank you LA! =D
I thought that, but in the way he said it, and the comments before and after, made me realize that it really wasn't about me.
@Matt True, but I am 30, and are always on a quest to becoming a better person. In my relationships, I am usually very giving and have learned to compromise. I would do anything for a person I deeply care about, so I don't think that I am like Shakespeare's “Taming of the Shrew.”
I don't think it's because I'm European. However, almost all of the women I grew up around (mother, aunts, grand mother, sisters, cousins, etc.) are all very strong, well-educated, etc. So for me this has always been the norm.
So then I wouldn't scare you off? hahaha
Scare me off? You? Noooooo .. never!
The main reason strong women scare me is because they're often stronger than me. Otherwise I prefer a strong independent woman.
I recall my ex had changed her own oil. I'd not even dream of doing such a thing.
I'm an emotional wreck so most strong women wojld have no part of me anyway.
It's not really a gender thing and there's nothing wrong with it. Some men prefer weaker women, just as some women prefer weaker men. I'm thinking of a lot of my male friends whose social lives are basically controlled by their SO and they are fine with it.
I for one don't want a cowering wallflower, but at the same time will not allow myself to be completely dominated either.
It's a personality/relationship preference and no judgement should be made.
I know guys who don't find brunettes attractive. For that reason should all brunettes despair that they'll never find love?
I think not…….
*hugs You will one day feel better. This too shall pass
You're right. It does go both ways. You just have to find the person who best complements you. By the way, brunettes are HOTTER!
Being controlled by your SO woman, isn't the same as dating or loving a truly strong woman. I think what these women are talking about, and I myself am experiencing has more to do with not being pliable and needy but instead less dependent upon a man's love or attention to validate their existence or worth, really needing to feel complete rather than share in companionship equally. These are different kinds of 'strong', instead of just being bossy or dominating, that's not strong. A lot of it has to do with history and traditional gender roles. Women were not allowed to be strong, play a strong viable role in their own lives throughout history and the world, and still continues in many places today. Fact not opinion. So it's ingrained in many people, men in particular to be used to a certain amount of give and control over how their lives play out with a woman who does not hold her own with him in their relationship. It's what they grew up with are used to, and until each generation grows out of these antiquated habits, mindsets, learns new ways of connecting with various kinds of women on different levels, deeper ones that challenge traditional roles, it will continue to be that way; albeit perhaps watered down each generation.
I get what you're saying about preference such as colors or heights etc, but the strong thing, has more to do with intimidation and fear and insecurity on the part of men in relation to women. I only say this because I have been told by some that I am intimidating and often noticed that many men I think, based on observation are scared of a woman who is opinionated and even confrontational on any subject, esp. personal / emotional, because it might hark into some intrinsic fear of being rejected or perceived that way…some kind of childhood fear having to do with the mother. Generally, when healthy people are involved, mothers love is unconditional and if a woman comes on strong with a man it doesn't mean we're rejecting them but just being ourselves and yet it might come off that way and trigger a knee-jerk reaction to go the other way. Just like many women are drawn desperately to men that aren't healthy for them or in compromising ways because they are so needy for that love and attention that many did not get from their fathers(due to sociological, historical and economic reasons that prevented them from connecting with their daughters in the way that the girls needed) and end up suffering in other ways even though they are not alone-a trade off. The old, why do good women date bad men thing?
Boy meaty stuff!
This is a good topic that really does need discussing…just giving props to those involved!
I like the line of this discussion. I think people are hitting on some good points and although I'm totally new to this site and have no idea how it works or even what it's called(der…) I did a search and found it very interesting.
Danielle, I wrote a comment in response to Jim Sliwa that you might find interesting.
But to add, I do think it's difficult obviously for strong women, like myself and you and others to find a partner who is not afraid or even familiar with truly being equal with a woman, on equal footing or eye level willing to give and take without getting intimidated by her fire. As I said below, it's not about dominating a man, because I am very strong but do not want to dominate a man. But I don't want to be dominated or inhibit my passion to placate a fearful person either and that's hard to find. The other thing I find and don't know but would like to from other women is being able to discuss things on a deep intellectual level even in an opinionated way, even getting heated at times but not antagonistic towards anyone, with a man without many of them getting really scared off. That is one of the struggles I find.
Does anyone else experience that?
There is so much historical context that lends to these dating and relationship dilemmas for modern women. Another idea is that perhaps finding a man really secure in himself is what a strong woman needs, one that can discuss things intensely, draw boundaries kindly when either one needs to and respect them and BOTH parties being able to compromise when needed and go back and forth between each state without anyone having to compromise their integrity or spirit but learning the language of each other before giving up so quickly because one of them might seem a bit strong or intimidating. I believe that strong women want a strong man, not in the dominating sense like the example of women controlling their men, but one who is strong internally, with himself and his identity so he is not freaked out by a woman who perhaps disagrees or challenges him intellectually or otherwise, someone emotionally strong enough to call a woman on her errors or limits but in a kind fashion, ultimately helping her as she might do the same for him. Really really good at communication which is what healthy strong women tends towards, working things out when they come up. That's ideal I know but hey one can hope!
D.
Mike VanLare, I like the line of your thinking. Keep going!
Damiana,
I agree with many of the points that you touched on. Those are the types of situation that I always seem to find myself in. If I'm on a date, and I seem to know more than the guy on a subject, I usually won't hear from him again. If he shows an inkling of weakness, then he will slowly distance himself until he disappears. Like you said, all I can do is hope.
Damiana,
I agree with many of the points that you touched on. Those are the types of situation that I always seem to find myself in. If I'm on a date, and I seem to know more than the guy on a subject, I usually won't hear from him again. If he shows an inkling of weakness, then he will slowly distance himself until he disappears. Like you said, all I can do is hope.
It's not being strong that scares men away.Some strong women act as dictators in relationships.It's only their opinion that counts and they rarely consult with their partners about important family decisions.They just decide because they believe it's the only right decision.That's what scares men away.But some men who act the same way scare their women away.Just my opinion.
Some strong women might be that way, but not all of them.
thanks Martin. I am a strong, willed, independent woman. You just made me feel so much better. Thank you =)