Dating and the Single Mother

July 4th Weekend, originally uploaded by dreamingindc.

When I posted the blog about “Why do Strong Women Scare Some Men Away ,” this commenter kept bringing up that I had children, and that is probably why I haven’t found someone. He kept saying that I am not a “strong woman,” but a “strong woman + kids.” It kind of bothered me because he made it seem like I couldn’t be strong because I had children. It also didn’t make any sense because it had nothing to do with the blog post, but it got me thinking about dating while being a single mother.

First, I need to address the stereotypes that people have about single mothers. Single mothers are usually thought of badly educated, struggling financially, want a man who will come and “save the children and her,” and they only want a man to take over the paternal role, and it keeps going. You have probably heard one or a combination of these reasons, and you probably have your own thoughts about single mothers. I do believe and are glad that this is changing now that women are starting to become single mothers by choice and are having amazing, fluorishing careers. However, the stereotypes are still there.

I know that the pool of men who will date me is smaller than a woman who doesn’t have any children. It doesn’t offend me when a guy realizes that I am a mother, and he decides he doesn’t want it to go any further. He has his reasons, and I respect that. I’ve also had men, who I have dated, say that I am not the “typical single mom.” It kind of takes me aback when I hear this because I don’t think people should judge a certain group of people due to things they have heard from others or from a past experience they had with one or two. However, a man has a choice, just like I have a choice about who I date.

Dating has been tough since I had my first child. I will have to say that it has gotten better since the children and I have gotten older. The only time it gets rough is when I have dated people who want to invite me to hang out that same day, and they get upset when I can’t go out. My family does support me, and they are there for me whenever I need them, but I still don’t have the luxury to just get up and go. Dating is already hard even when you don’t have children, so imagine when there are.

I have never really had issues finding people to date. I tend to date older men. Older men are usually more understanding and respectful of my time. Also, they usually realize that I am educated, successful for my age, independent, confident, and love that I am a good mother. I used to do online dating because a man could know right away that I had children, and decide to message or move on to the next profile.

Nevertheless, I don’t think online dating is for me, so I have decided not to go that route again. I realized this after I read Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single. She discusses how people see all these profiles, go on a perfectly-great date, and then wonder if maybe they can probably find better. Very jaded, and I noticed that it seemed to be the case with many of my friends and me. Date would go great, guy would never contact you again, and then months later, you would hear from him, and it was always that he wanted to make sure and now he realized you were great. Next!

I thought that it would be harder to find someone, but even though I don’t have the amount of people like I would on an online dating site, I still have found dates via mutual interests, friends, or acquaintances. I am currently dating a guy around my age, who is totally amazing and doesn’t seem to mind that I have two children, and that was through a mutual friend. I don’t want to say further because it’s early, so trying to just be positive.

My children are not the reason that I am still single. It has to do with the crazy checklist that I used to have; or my unforgiving behavior if someone broke one of my dealbreakers; or it could have been how I was still madly in love with G. and no one compared to him. However, I am now ready to date because I was self aware enough to realize this and have made changes within myself.

For single mothers out there, it is hard, but remember that you are a woman, and not just a mother. You will eventually find a guy who realizes this and will want to date you, regardless if you have children. You will encounter the occassional hater who will want to put you down because you are a single mother (I found mine yesterday). My philosophy is if the person doesn’t help me in any way, I really don’t give a damn what he/she thinks because I know that I have tons to give to a person I am dating, a friend, my family, and myself. Never settle.

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angrykeyboarder

If I lived near you I'd so ask you out. :D Actuality, no I wouldn't. It's taken me years, but I've finally concluded that until I rally get my act together, relationships aren't an option.

The only problem now is... I don't think I'll ever get my act together and even if I did...

FWIW, every relationship I've been in since 1995 began online. None have been what I'd consider "successful" and yet I've known people onlne who ended up getting married (and still are as far as I know).

So it can work..

But I digress...

I used to be adverse to dating single moms, but only because I was young and not that crazy about kids. Since I've gotten older I've changed my tune. I lived with a woman for just over 2 years. She has son. At the time we met he was 6. I loved that kid as if he were my own. My hope was that someday she'd have another with me. But the relationship didn't work out (actually it was doomed from the start, but that's a long story).

My own "conditions" for dating single moms include a) she has no more than 2 kids and that they aren't grown b) she'd have one (or two) more with me - assuming we decided to spend "forever" together. c) She's strong and independent, honest and is not looking for a sugar daddy....

Those are mandetory, naturally there are more.

I'm rambling now..

dcfemella

I would love to know the "more" part.

angrykeyboarder

Email me for details if you like.

Kandeezie

I think it has to do with spontaneity. When dating younger men, I'm sure they want you to be available all the time, and the fact that you're accountable to other people besides yourself means that you will need a confident man who can accept that you're not always going to be available.

I've realized that men aren't really taught explicitly in our culture that they need to have confidence. We always talk about low self-esteem and low confidence in a gendered way, as if only women experience this. Men are taught that what they have makes them worthy, not how they feel about themselves inside. So when their women aren't available when they snap their fingers, they may feel that they don't "have" you (and what would people say?!? *gasp*).

Obviously I'm making tons of generalizations, but I'm talking at the sociological level and not about individuals. Anyway, the point is that you will find a person that admires your strength and your family. They will see that as an asset. Don't back down. You have confidence. So should they.

dcfemella

It's also life experiences. When you are older, you know more about life, so you are able to deal with more than a younger person can.

angrykeyboarder

On the other hand, one reason I prefer younger women is that my life experiences are vastly different than most men my age. With the exception of stuff like being able to remember watching Richard Nixon announce his resignation on TV (I was 14), I feel I have more in common with someone 20-25 years younger than I do with someone 10 years (or less) younger than myself.

On a related note, the previously mentioned relationship was with a woman who is 16 years my junior and she found me to be immature....

/pd

Not correct, as a Single man, I think single Moms are A-OK !!

Anyhoot, Hang in there.. @ times the wait is lonely..but I think at the end of it all, its will be worthwhile.

dcfemella

There is an expression in Panama that says "Mejor esta sola que mala acompanada," which translates to "It's better to be alone than in bad company."

Kekibird

You are a great mom and a beautiful, intelligent and wonderful woman deserving of a great man's love and his companionship. Men that don't understand that children aren't "baggage" but apart of the "package" aren't ready for a single mother and all that it includes. Yes, our pool of men are smaller but in that pool are some pretty great guys. Hang in there, you are awesome!

dcfemella

Thanks Katie! I think the same thing about you. You're right. They are a great pool of guys, so that is why I don't worry anymore. =D

Joe Dawson

I seperated from my childrens mother several years ago and the first year was difficult but the pressure eased and we adjusted to the new scenario. It's still strained at times but I'm sure that will never change..

In terms of dating, anyone with a negative approach/outlook is just ignorant to your situation. Being strong is a great quality and many people will find that attractive. I dated many girls after I broke with my childrens mother but it wasn't until I met my current partner that I was able to commit. She has a daughter so it was easier to relate our situations! At times it's difficult with the other parents in the background but it's worth it. Don't give up stay strong :)

dcfemella

My single-mom friend, who is now married to a single father, told me that. She said it's easier to date another single parent because they understand. My ex, who I dated for three years, had two sons, and he was usually more understanding about things than someone who didn't have kids.

Danielle

I am not a single mother, just a single woman in my mid-30s, but I still find the dating pool to be a bit shallow, both in number and quality. I can only imagine how adding children to the mix can make it more difficult. Although, I do have 5 cats and that seems to be a gigantic turn-off to many guys. I seem to automatically be grouped into the "crazy cat lady" category before they even get to know me as the successful, intelligent, funny, warm, caring person that I am!

Anyway, I'd love to talk to you about where you've been going in our area to meet quality guys.

dcfemella

When I told my ex I was getting a cat, he said You don't want to do that cause people will think you are the "cat lady." I thought it was insane how people think.

Thai Girl World

My thumbs up for you. I find you very strong and very practical. This strong attitude will help you find the right man who will love you more than you think. Why? because that lucky man knows he is in good hands. I know you are not in a hurry because your prince will just come at the right time and at the right place.

dcfemella

I feel like pretty soon I am going to find the lucky man. My attitude towards dating is way more positive than it has ever been. Thank you =D

Ethan Wilson

Good luck, it's not hard :D

dcfemella

It's really hard in DC, or in any metropolitan city. I'm trying eHarmony again. I tried it once and met this nice guy, but he wasn't very cultured, so it didn't work out. I think this time I will be successful, so keep rooting for me!

DCFemella

Don't let me be misunderstood

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