Can You Really Be Upset With Someone Who Always Disappoints?
Posted by dcfemella | Posted in self | Posted on 18-04-2009
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Originally uploaded by sean eng
When someone disappoints you, should you get upset when he/she does it once more? I realized today that my friend is right. You really can’t. My ex is the same person he was when I met him ten years ago: irresponsible, self centered, a dreamer, and neurotic. I could add more traits, but I don’t think there is a point on going there. He has never been a good father or person, in general, so I should stop getting stressed when he screws me over.
He hasn’t seen the kids in a month or called, so I thought he would make more of an effort to pick them up for the weekend. No, he got “lost.” He mentions he has a Blackberry. I tell him to check the maps or online, he says no, he doesn’t want to. I kept pressing the matter, and he said that he doesn’t have internet on his Blackberry. This is after he was on Gmail Chat the entire time. I had to drop my daughter off at her game, take my son to his game, run to her game, pick her up, and go to my son’s game. He not once showed up.
I send him an email stating what happened today, and he says that I am trying to keep him away from his children and that I try to make him look bad (huh?). When I was with him, my best friend told me that is something abusive people do. They turn everything around on the other person, so they end up with no fault. It use to work in the past, but now, it doesn’t.
One of the greatest thing about being human is our ability to constantly evolve. It bothers me to see someone who is still the same person he was when I met him ten years before. I fear passing away before my kids are self sufficient. Why? They would be raise by their father. I think it would be like Terms of Endearment, and he would eventually give the kids to my mother. However, I wouldn’t like that because then the kids would feel like they weren’t good enough for their father to keep them, so he gave them away. Even though, in reality, he is the one who isn’t good enough for them.
He is never going to change, so I have to realize that. I sometimes am tired of being mother and father to the kids, and having no help. However, I’d rather deal with a little stress than have to endure this man. I hope he begins to evolve, but for now, I have to evolve my thinking to not get upset when he once again disappoints the kids.
I saw your quote in the express today and it couldn't have come at a better time. I am a new mom (my daughter is 8 months) and I am having issues with her father. He lives is TN and is finishing college so his availability to see her is limited, I live here in Northern VA. This problems is that he doesn't take every opportunity to see her that he has, or he will say that he's going to come and finds an excuse not to. He thinks that because she is a baby it doesn't matter so it's ok for him to not follow through. And of course it's NEVER his fault. I've been struggling with how to do the right thing for my daughter and keep my sanity when dealing with him. Your quote is so true and it gave me a sense of clarity when I read it. Now if only figure out how to move forward, it's insulting to me when I offer to allow him to come up and stay at my house so he can see her and he says that he can't because other things are more important so I don't want to put the offer out anymore but I don't want to keep him from her. I'm new at this and it kills me that anything in the world could be more important to him than our precious girl. I'm trying to create/ enforce rules now so that she doesn't have to feel the disappointment that I do when he doesn't follow through. I would appreciate any advice you have and thank you for the quote it really helped one stressed out single mom!
Thanks
Adele,
I am so sorry you are going through this. There is so much that you can do
(and it seems like you've done it), so don't stress out anymore because in
the end, it is his loss. I admire my aunt, who raised two daughters with
the dad MIA while still becoming a doctor. Also, my son has a schoolmate
whose mother and I have become great friends. It seems she had to deal with
her ex, who was an alcoholic, being a troublemaker, like my ex, with her two
oldest. I learned a lot from them. It doesn't seem like your ex is as big
an asshole as mine, so you are lucky about that. Also, it's easier when
they are far away because you don't have to deal with them as much.
The first thing you must do is stop trying. You are only stressing yourself
out by doing this, so you just need to accept that for right now, he isn't
ready to reach his full potential as a father and leave it at that. Enjoy
the time with your new baby girl, and just forget about his lack of being
there. When he decides to contact you to see how the baby is doing, be
pleasant but don't ask him when he is coming to see her or anything. Just
let it go. He is the one who has to decide to do this. With him being in
college (is he young?), he is busy with his studies, college girls, and
pretending he is this single guy with no kids. My ex is turning 33 this
year, and he still behaves like the 23-year old guy I met so long ago.
In VA, if you are a single mother, you automatically have full custody until
you change it in the courts. Leave it at that. If you want him to pay
child support, then do it now. I tried to be nice to my ex for the first
half of the children's lives, and he would not give me any money or give me
this small amount that he knew wouldn't cut it. The best advice I got from
an ex was to take establish child support and let Child Support Enforcement
handle it. I'm not sure if he has any income being that he is in TN. If I
didn't have two children, I wouldn't have taken him for child support and
let him disappear. However, I had to pay $1700/mo in daycare, so I had to
at the time. If it was today, I wouldn't need him and I would be glad to
have that headache out of my life.
I don't know how old your daughter is, but does she have your last name?
One thing I always tell single mothers who have fathers who are barely
around is to give the baby their last name. My friend in Kansas City and I
were pregnant at the same time, and we both decided to do that. My ex gets
upset that my son (not my daughter) has my last name, and he won't have
anyone to carry his last name. Being that he is absent and I am the one
taking my kids everywhere, for me, I felt it was better for them to have my
last name.
Do you have family and/or friends in the area? If you do, then that is
great. I have my parents, aunt, and sister, and I have all the support I
need. If you don't, then I recommend that you start joining parenting
groups in the area. I did that when I was pregnant with my son (who is the
oldest), and eight years later, we still have a group of mothers who talk
together.
A child is the most precious gift a parent can have. It's sad that there
are not some people who realize this and cherish it for life. Remember that
at least your daughter has you and you will give her all the love that she
needs.
Sorry for writing a book. If you need to talk, email me. =D
Shevonne
Adele,
I am so sorry you are going through this. There is so much that you can do
(and it seems like you've done it), so don't stress out anymore because in
the end, it is his loss. I admire my aunt, who raised two daughters with
the dad MIA while still becoming a doctor. Also, my son has a schoolmate
whose mother and I have become great friends. It seems she had to deal with
her ex, who was an alcoholic, being a troublemaker, like my ex, with her two
oldest. I learned a lot from them. It doesn't seem like your ex is as big
an asshole as mine, so you are lucky about that. Also, it's easier when
they are far away because you don't have to deal with them as much.
The first thing you must do is stop trying. You are only stressing yourself
out by doing this, so you just need to accept that for right now, he isn't
ready to reach his full potential as a father and leave it at that. Enjoy
the time with your new baby girl, and just forget about his lack of being
there. When he decides to contact you to see how the baby is doing, be
pleasant but don't ask him when he is coming to see her or anything. Just
let it go. He is the one who has to decide to do this. With him being in
college (is he young?), he is busy with his studies, college girls, and
pretending he is this single guy with no kids. My ex is turning 33 this
year, and he still behaves like the 23-year old guy I met so long ago.
In VA, if you are a single mother, you automatically have full custody until
you change it in the courts. Leave it at that. If you want him to pay
child support, then do it now. I tried to be nice to my ex for the first
half of the children's lives, and he would not give me any money or give me
this small amount that he knew wouldn't cut it. The best advice I got from
an ex was to take establish child support and let Child Support Enforcement
handle it. I'm not sure if he has any income being that he is in TN. If I
didn't have two children, I wouldn't have taken him for child support and
let him disappear. However, I had to pay $1700/mo in daycare, so I had to
at the time. If it was today, I wouldn't need him and I would be glad to
have that headache out of my life.
I don't know how old your daughter is, but does she have your last name?
One thing I always tell single mothers who have fathers who are barely
around is to give the baby their last name. My friend in Kansas City and I
were pregnant at the same time, and we both decided to do that. My ex gets
upset that my son (not my daughter) has my last name, and he won't have
anyone to carry his last name. Being that he is absent and I am the one
taking my kids everywhere, for me, I felt it was better for them to have my
last name.
Do you have family and/or friends in the area? If you do, then that is
great. I have my parents, aunt, and sister, and I have all the support I
need. If you don't, then I recommend that you start joining parenting
groups in the area. I did that when I was pregnant with my son (who is the
oldest), and eight years later, we still have a group of mothers who talk
together.
A child is the most precious gift a parent can have. It's sad that there
are not some people who realize this and cherish it for life. Remember that
at least your daughter has you and you will give her all the love that she
needs.
Sorry for writing a book. If you need to talk, email me. =D
Shevonne
hi friend i read this and i think it is so great!